The Hunger Games ***SPOILERS***

Seriously ***SPOILERS!! DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!***

I suppose I should prequel this with “I watched the movie first”. In this instance I am very glad for that fact. In the movie you have less time to form an attachment to certain characters so when they die you feel less sad. This is an important fact for me in a book prevailing in death. I’ve been known to quit a whole series if I get too affected by something; I end up with too many emotions and can fix it only by trying to forget it happened. Although expecting it is only half of it, even when I know it’s going to happen a part of me still wishes it will end differently.

The book was, with the exception of a few minor details, exactly the same as the movie.  It’s written in first person so you really get into Katniss’ head; what she is thinking and her motives behind everything. You find out what drives her. I like this. It’s been awhile since I read a book in 1^st person.

This book seems very controversial since not only is it about killing, but it’s about killing children. I’m not sure if this should bother me more, but all I really think about is Gladiator. Sure Russell Crowe was an adult, but I doubt every gladiator in the coliseum was an ex-roman soldier, so I weigh it with similar value. Our civilization has proven throughout history that it finds entertainment in slaughter and death, so why should this future society be any different? The final death in the series is the most disturbing, and I try not to think of it because it makes me feel very sick. No one should be treated like that, and it really made me hate the Capitol as much as Katniss. More than anything I want her to win.

The death I was dreading throughout the book was Rue. I don’t remember feeling very affected by her death when I saw the movie but I didn’t really know her that well either. I remember the first time she was mentioned in the book, and every time her name came up I wanted to start crying. I knew she was going to die. I expected it. I still wanted it to be a lie. With every page turn I knew I was merely expediting the tragic scene of her death. The alliance doesn’t last long between Katniss and Rue, but every time Katniss speaks of her, mentions her, describes her, you’re left with this sense; you want her to live. I think it’s a little more impacting because she is the youngest. At 12 years old she is forced into this gruesome battle. At 12 years old she breathes her last breath. It’s not quick and it’s not painless. Of every death in this book Rue is the one that matters most, it is the most haunting, and no matter what else happens Katniss always comes back to Rue. I cried.

Pride & Prejudice and Through the Looking Glass

Since I'm already well into this I'll just start with the two most recent books I finished. I'll start with Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll because I have the least to say about it. Basically instead of Alice falling down a rabbit hole she gets sucked into a looking glass. Its just as messed up as Alice's first encounters in Wonderland and include memorable characters like tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. Its a very quick read so if you enjoyed Alice in Wonderland I do recommend this one. Alice is trying to make her way across a chess board to become the queen! And what an imagination she has to get there. I don't have much insight to share since, really, who knows what Lewis Carroll was thinking when he wrote this stuff. 

Pride and Prejudice is a book I've become completely enraptured by. I LOVED this book!! I finished it and wanted to start it over. I sufficed by reading some of my favourite scenes over again. From the first time you meet Mr. Darcy you just have to love him. Not because he's endearing in ANY way, but for his honesty and complete lack of restraint during his conversations with Miss Bennett. Likewise I think Eliza holds even less back and her frankness is quite admirable to someone like me who only wishes I could be as open as her. Every page kept me wanting more and I could hardly wait for their next encounter. One of my favourite scenes (which I think is for many) is his first confession scene.  I felt as surprised as Elizabeth did. And the "argument" that ensued is so honest and raw, everything they had been holding back before this moment is laid to the table. 
As you continue the book you see the dramatic change in attitude between first confession Darcy and second confession Darcy. He comes from a very proud and arrogant state and throughout the book you see his defenses completely stripped away. He takes every criticism Elizabeth so wantingly shares and makes an effort to improve and become a better person (which we see when she accidentally meets him at Pemberley). And likewise I suppose Elizabeth's great irony is from one her first references to Mr. Darcy where she states 

"Heaven forbid! - That would be the greatest misfortune of all! - To find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! - Do not wish me such an evil". 

Her prejudice toward Mr. Darcy is based on an account from a most unscrupulous character (Wickham); its not until his first confession that she learns the truth. After that she learns more about his true character and is forced to re-evaluate almost everything she previously thought about him. By the time they meet at Pemberly she's so embarrassed by her previous actions its really quite awkward (REALLY AWKWARD). 
Pemberley is the first time you start to see a big change in Elizabeth's attitude towards Mr. Darcy. Both characters have bewitched me and I will probably read this book many more times in my lifetime. For now I will leave you with one of the best confession scenes I've ever beheld. Matthew McFayden definitely makes a beautifully vulnerable Mr. Darcy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFsgLhx9dxg

My Challenge should I choose to accept it

When I was in highschool I made a list of things I wanted to do before I died (bucket list?) and I wrote them on my bedroom wall. I think there was only 10, and I forget most of them, but they were things like "Visit France and buy a whole outfit and eat real french bread" and "own a piece of the rainforest". Since starting on Goodreads I have added many books and am reminded of a goal I forgot about, which was to read 500 books by 25. As I add my 300th book to my "read" list on goodreads (that I can remember the title of at least) I realised I'm 200 books away from my goal and have only 7 months left before my 26th birthday. At the time I wrote this goal I didn't specify that they had to be novels, all I said was books. Now I know I have read plenty more books than I have on goodreads since I started reading when I was about 4 and have a whole box of childrens books I've read many times and have many books I read for school that I've forgotten about. So lets say I add 100 books to the list to make up for all the books I read as a child and all the school books I read for projects. That leaves me 7 months to read 100 books to reach my goal of reading 500 books before my 26th birthday. I legitimately want to try and reach this goal and I thought, "Hey, maybe I'll blog about it". I'm starting late, I've got 92 books left to reach 400 books on Goodreads, but I am going to start blogging my experience through this starting now. I need to read approx 13 books every month for the next 7 months to accomplish this goal by Feburary 18th which will is my 26th birthday. So look forward to many a blog post in the coming months. Depending on how much I struggle through some of the books on my list I might post at the end of each book or post once I get part way through. Wish my luck!! 

I might lose my job

I might lose my job. Not because of anything I did, but because someone very vindictive wants to pick on us because she couldn't get what she wanted. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think part of me wants to cry. I love where I work, and I think I would rather quit my job than work anywhere else. Of course that's absurd, because I have a wedding debt and a mortgage to save up for, and I wonder if she even realizes the kind of hurt she would cause to us. People are selfish, and they seldom think about what their actions mean. In this case, it means that our lines will be posted and none of us will get them, they will most likely go to some random unit clerk from different hospital who doesn't know anything about Neurology. I've worked there for 5 years. I've built up my knowledge, slaved, researched, in my own time to become worthy of working on a specialised unit like that. They don't teach us after school, they don't send us to extra classes like the nurses, wherever we go to after, we need to find that knowledge ourselves, and that's what I've done. I've worked to become the best neurology unit clerk I can be. And now someone wants to take that away me? Why? Because they couldn't get what they wanted? So they decided to pick on us and say "Well if I can't have what I wanted, then you can't have what you wanted" because that is exactly what she's saying. Let me explain.

My other unit clerk and I applied to go full time. We filled out the paper work, we talked to the union, went through HR, spoke with the manager, did everything it said we needed to do. Then a few months later our manager came to us and said "Congrats, approved everything is good we are going ahead with the lines" So I think that's fantastic! And so we have comfortably been working our lines for 4 going on 5 months now. Let me also say, we were working only part time before and its illegal to have no full time unit clerk. Because of previous changed to our floor (becoming Neurology specialised and everything) our lines were separated and it ended up that we were only working part time, so we wanted to make full time so that it would be legal again. The girl who is causing us grief wanted to go to all part time lines, its illegal according to the union, because you have to have at least one full time line. She pushed and pushed for it, because she only wanted to work 1-2 days a week and didn't want to work weekends, so obviously she wanted her lines to get approved, but they didn't, because its illegal.

So now, the most likely scenario is our lines will be posted, the girl will still be stuck in her shitty rotation and me and the other unit clerk will have no job. So the only reason I can see, why she did this, is to be vindictive. I just don't understand why we have to suffer because  she didn't get what she wanted. We did everything right!! We did exactly what everyone told us had to be done, and now because the union changed their minds I lose my job? Umm, hello, you told us it was ok the first time! Maybe its time I went back to school... Just wish I had more money saved, if I had known I would lose my job I wouldn't have been so keen to spend all that money. I still see a psychologist every month for my anxiety. I still have -8,100$ sitting in my bank account from the wedding. If this doesn't say "Ok, start freaking out" I don't know what does. My husband is going to school and has no job. Things I can do to be pro-active about this uncertain future.

Step 1. Don't actually freak out
Step 2. Don't emotional eat, Don't go shopping
Step 3. My husband is done in April, that's 2 months, I just need to keep this for 2 more months.
Step 4. Proactive saving. Save like crazy, no more spending, gotta get that emergency fund going!
Step 5. Post-pone honeymoon if need be, will wait and see. Might need the money.
Step 6. Hebrews 11:1

The Average Woman

I need someone to help me design a clothing line, and we will call it "Clothing for the average woman" which will include clothes for hourglass women , where a size 12/14 is average size, not +size, and where women can shop and feel good about purchasing clothes that fit them properly, I'm sick of going to the store and thinking "My hips don't fit in these pants" and thinking there's something wrong with ME, there is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with society who thinks curvy women are fat women, I want to be able to buy a skirt that fits me in the hips AND the waist, I shouldn't have to choose! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself because my hips don't fit in a medium, and am forced to purchase the large size that's too big for my waist and falls down all the time just because the A-line wasn't BIG enough. You think I sat down with God and helped him design me? No, I did not! If my body is comfortable in a size 9 I shouldn't have to feel bad about it! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself when I look in the mirror and think I'm fat, and that I should be a size 7 instead. My body doesn't work like that, my body looks anorexic like that, this is just the way I am. Being a size 9 doesn't mean I'm unhealthy, it doesn't mean I don't exercise. Just because I don't spend 3hrs a day running on a treadmill or doing weights doesn't mean I don't care about myself. I might eat unhealthy food sometimes, but it tastes good and I think I deserve a treat sometimes. That doesn't mean I eat unhealthy food all the time and don't take care of myself.

I hate the label society has put on me. A should have smaller hips, I should have a tiny waist, but still maintain an hourglass figure, I should have big boobs but you don't make shirts for women with big boobs and small waists, all those button up shirts don't fit because they are meant for a 30 waist and B cup, well you know what? I'm a 30 Waist and a C Cup, so you can go shove your button up fancy shirts. When I go to the store and grab a large and its tight this tells me a large woman should be a size 7 and that the average size (medium) should be a size 5. Did you not hear me? I'm a size 9. The only time I was graced with being a size 7 was when I stopped eating! STOPPED EATING!! When I started eating again you know what I turned into? A size 9. I've kept my same eating habits for the past 8 months, I tried on my wedding dress 8months ago and you know what? 8months later it fit exactly the same as it did the first time I tried it on. You know what this tells me? My body is comfortable here. I don't lose weight, I dont gain weight I just stay here. I'm sick and tired of thinking I'm fat. I'm sick and tired of being worried every time I visit my grandmother if she's going to comment on my weight. I'm sick of her pointing at my belly and saying "You've gained weight" You know what that gives me? A complex. So every day when I get changed and I look in the mirror I see a fat stomach, and I see fat legs and I see an ugly person. But the truth is I'm none of those things.

And I'm sick and tired of hearing about woman who think they are those things. I have an aunt, she's really tiny but is obsessed with being skinnier and skinnier. And it makes me really sad to think she feels that way because she is a BEAUTIFUL woman!! And I know she works her ass off to stay skinny, but she shouldn't have to feel like that. She shouldn't have to think "10 more pounds and then I'll be perfect" And sure people exercise because they love to exercise and that's perfectly fine, but nobody should feel bad about gaining 10lbs. Its just 10lbs, seriously, no body notices, except you and when I gain 10lbs I notice. And when I gain 30lbs I notice, but you know what? Nobody else noticed. My co-workers didn't notice, my parents didn't notice, my fiancee didn't notice... only I noticed, because only I stood on that scale hating myself. And I wish I could change that. I wish I could make clothes to fit the average woman. I wish I could make a store that had affordable clothing, where I could buy a button up shirt that fit me in the bust and the waist, where I could purchase a skirt that fit me in the hips AND the waist, where women could come and buy jeans that didn't cut off the circulation in their legs. There are enough stores out there for the size 4's and 6's, all 100 of them. We need a store for all the thousands of women who are the size 9's and 12's and 14's and who are just as beautiful!! Without being labeled PLUS size. We are not PLUS size, we are NORMAL size. When all the size 11's are gone and all that's left are the size 2's, this is telling me something important, this is telling me most woman are this size. This is making me confused why there aren't stores for people this size. Why can't there be a store that starts at a size 7 and ends at a size 18? Why does the store have to end at a size 11 and then the PLUS store starts at a 14, what about all those 12 and 13's?! Where do they live? In the magical land of "I'm never going shopping because nothing ever fits properly". If I ever make a clothing store its going to start at a size 7 and go to a size 18. And my slogan will be "Clothes for the average woman". And my mission in life will be to make every woman feel beautiful in her skin.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say!! I am beautiful and normal and NOT FAT! I am not fat! I am not fat. I am not fat.

Armageddon in London

My mom sent me a link today about the riots in London with a little blurb from my dad about the global financial crisis and how its really starting to affect the bigger western nations. We've known for many years about the political unrest in the middle east, in places like Libya, Yemen, Syria, Egypt, Tunisia; the wars in Iraq and Afganistan. The big shocker when Greece declared "bankruptcy" and the riots it caused. But not its hit London. Wow. London, city of the royals. Looking through those pictures was like looking at scenes from WWII, it was so sad. Reading about a family business that had been in the same building for 5 generations, since the 1860's! 150 years of hard work and sweat completely destroyed. And I asked myself why? This is apparently a global financial crisis and they just caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage. If you were so upset about your pension being cut before where do you think they're getting the money to pay for this? I say why? But what else is there? You work 30, 40, 50 years and you pay all these taxes and what do you get? You get nothing. My parents paid CPP their whole life but now they tell us, oh by the time you retire there won't be any CPP because there's no money left. But nothing good can come from destroying a city. There has to be other solutions.

The problem is people get so angry and they become blinded by it and their instinct is to react with violence when the opposite should be happening. But with all the corrupt governments you can't trust them to do anything right; they are just looking out for themselves. So maybe this is needed to open the eyes of those in political power but its still sad that it has to be done this way. In a perfect world people would have a voice and they would be able to talk freely with their leaders to combat the economic crisis. Instead they just sit in their high towers on their mountain of money. Coming from a common middle class worker it is really unfortunate that when I look at our political leaders I feel disgust and betrayal. And people get so angry when there are budget cuts and job losses and government subsidized programs shut down and what can you do? Instead of the government sitting down and saying "Look, here's this, this and this, we need to come up with possible solutions etc etc" and have some kind of community wide inclusion of people, they just start cutting healthcare, childcare, senior's benefits and it makes them look like criminals because people think "Well those ugly bastards keep taking all our money in taxes and then they go and cut this and cut that and leave us with nothing while they live in their million dollar mansions"

Just because people have jobs doesn't mean they are living properly. With minimum wage JUST recently rising to $9.25/hr that's still impossible to live off of. No one can keep a roof over their head, feed their 2 children, have electricity, gas. Having a vehicle, being able to afford car insurance, and gas, these have all become luxury's in my day.  With the way inflation is its hard for anyone to keep their head above water. Don't be looking at the unemployment rates, look at how many people are living below the poverty level!! You always see those tv shows about people who are sick and dying in Africa but what about in our own country?! We can't even sustain ourselves, how can we even think about helping a whole other continent? I have friends who can't find work, I have friends who are working but barely making it, who can't afford food all the time, who have children and are struggling to get by. We need to wake up as a nation, but the government also needs to take a long look in the mirror and think what they can do to make it better. Rioting and violence isn't the solution, but whether people can figure that out I dont know. It would take a lot. Its easy for the rich and wealthy, but all of us middle class workers are left with the disaster. My generation, Adam's generation we are stuck picking up the mess. We call this nation a democracy, but what is that anymore? Just because I get to tick a box on a ballot and say I want "so and so" in office? That's not democracy... It just gives me the illusion of democracy. We have no say in how our country is run. We put it in the hands of other people and hope that they make good decisions, but how are we even supposed to react when time and time again those people we put in to run our country lie to us, go behind our back on us. Jesus said "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy" and honestly what else do we see from our government? How does that give our generation any hope?  Its all just really sad. 


Why does this generation have no respect for authority? Well its not like they've done a lot to deserve any respect from me. Why would I respect someone who lies to me? You teach your kids morals, how to be honest, and sincere, generous and show kindness to people. Please tell me the last time someone in power showed any of that? I know this post is a bit all over the place but the riots in London hits close to home. With the insurmountable debt in the USA, its bound to hit here sooner rather than later. There aren't many people left who remember the great depression, but if things don't change our children will be telling stories of their great depression.

Marriage

Its been a very long time since I have written a post and I would attribute this to my wedding. I must say, I have never seen a calendar's days pass so quickly as I have since my engagement. With August 1st fast approaching I have come to realise it will soon be exactly 2 months before the wedding. 2 months. that's 60 days, 1440 hours and I have to ask where did all that time go? When I thought a year ago that I had so much time, no need to worry and now that time is gone and I'm left standing like a deer in the headlights with too many things in my brain wondering if it'll all turn out exactly as I pictured when I was a child. I have one more very important thing to do and then I'm sure that, even if I forget something, we will at least be able to get married. That is the marriage license. Its kind of weird to think that you need to go to a notary/lawyer so they can write up a paper that says "Yes, you are allowed to get married." Which I guess is supposed to mean that somewhere along in my life I haven't already married someone else in Canada, but it still leaves the question, why do I need to get permission to be married? I'm not 12, I'm an adult, half the time people they give marriage licenses too shouldn't have been given them, so why even waste all that paper.

Anyways, I probably should have documented this journey a bit better, but my stress and anxiety levels have peaked a bit and I can't say its something I really want to relive. However the closer it gets to the day I still can't deny this childish excitement I feel. And with every passing day I get more excited. I can't explain it, since all a ceremony means is that its written on paper, but there's something in that act. Something about standing in front of a bunch of people and saying "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you because I love you and nothing can make that ever go away". Its like announcing your love to the world without having to shout it from every rooftop. Love is a beautiful thing. I think Love can be the strongest emotion in humanity. From it is birthed the greatest joy, and the most passionate jealousy. Its about knowing you belong to someone and they belong to you and you belong to each other, and there will always be someone in your life who is there for you.

Marriage to me isn't something that you just do, its something that just happens. Whether its in front of a judge, in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of god, its something thats birthed in your heart that says "I want the world to know we're together forever". This doesn't mean it will be an easy journey, this doesn't mean you'll never have an argument, but it stands as a reminder. It says, "there was a time I loved you so much I was willing to stand in front of a crowd of people to say that I wanted to spent eternity with you". And that's what I will do on October 1, 2011, I will stand in front of a large crowd and say "I will love you to the ends of the earth, wherever my heart leads me, wherever my path happens to go, I will still love you until death, and if there happens to be something after death, I can only hope I will meet you on the other side because my life no matter where it takes me, would just be incomplete without you".

I love you Matius <3