The Sky is Falling

I tried so hard to keep it together

But the sky is still falling

The earth is still shaking

The wind is still roaring

The clouds are rolling in

I see the flashes in the distance

Hear the rumbling from deep within

I'm gonna break, I'm gonna break

CHORUS

Is this the end for me?

I let it all go

The picture is broken now

I let it all go

Time to pick up the pieces

How did we let it get to this?

The rain is pounding my skin

The cold is freezing my heart

The air is tense and bitter

I feel so alone here, in the dark, dark, dark

But I'll keep looking for you

I'll search until the end of time

I will bring you back to me

CHORUS

Is this the end for me?

I lost it all

The picture is broken now

I lost it all

Time to pick up the pieces

BRIDGE

You gotta keep shining, shining for me

You gotta keep trying, trying for me

I gotta keep walking, walking for you

I gotta keep fighting, fighting for you

CHORUS

Is this the end for me?

I let it all go

The picture is broken now

I lost it all

Time to pick up the pieces

... Time to pick up the pieces

... I need to pick up the pieces

The Vampire Diaries

That’s the thing about Klaus and Caroline, no matter how much she tries to deny it, he brings out someone stronger in her. He sees her full potential, he sees where she could go if she would only believe in herself. And he’s not saying it just to win her over because the thing about love, the real, deep, in your soul kind of love, is that you can’t be selfish with it. Maybe the only time you can never be selfish is when you love someone, because you would do anything for that person, to see them live, truly live. And she can’t deny it, when he looks at her with those eyes, she’d have to be blind not to see it. No matter how insecure or selfish they are, when they are together they bring out the best in each other, and that’s how it ought to be. He makes her a stronger more independent woman and she makes him a better man, she makes him believe that there is still good in him, that he can BE good.  That’s what makes them so special. 

And it’s not just this one instance, or this one relationship, it’s the whole story, from the beginning to wherever it ends. It’s about these instances where love really does conquer all.  Everyone in this story has sacrificed for love.  Everyone at one point or another has been lifted up and beaten down by love.  The fact that the writers and the actor’s of this show can capture this and express it so eloquently is what makes this show so beautiful.  That is talent. To really make a story come alive; to evoke passion and purpose. This is what I see when I watch The Vampire Diaries.

Loved this video on YouTube so I'll share it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2SqFT_-VyI&list=FLxjKqvI5PdM4Ul_Efv_lQpA&index=3

Big Decisions

The future is bright and airy. As I stand before an array of tunnels, dark and foreboding, I can finally feel the cool breeze that will lead me out; the smell of fresh air, and the promise of sunshine. The limitless sky stretched out before me, I feel hopeful. The possibilities are endless. The winds are changing.

I think the only things that top today are my birth and my wedding. Even though these emails are probably pretty generic, all I keep replaying in my head is “Congratulations on your outstanding academic achievement”. I mean, I never thought of myself as a university student before. I can’t even stop saying it, university. It hasn’t sunk in yet. I’ve never felt so excited and so scared in my whole life, but I know this is fated. I feel assured that everything will fall perfectly into place.

University… This is a big dream, but I’ve got 10 months to dream even bigger. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be going to university, it just sounds so smart! And it’s not to say I didn’t think I was smart, but university always had this je ne sais quoi about it that felt untouchable to me, like I wasn’t privé to that exclusive club. We set our own limits and its incredibly freeing when you let go of them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWoJLdXJt0E

Computer problems?

Not that anyone actually keeps tabs on my blog, but my computer is currently not working. It makes it really difficult to blog because all I have is the shitty iPhone app, so until further notice my blogs will probably be sparse. I'll have to write with a pen and paper, god forbid :P haha. Which I've been doing. Since its all I've got right now. Sometimes it's good to get back to basics.

Sometimes I miss the pen and paper. Somehow it's become outdated but I envy the old scripters, they wrote so beautifully!! I've been revisiting a dark place recently and it's allowed me to learn some things about myself that I'd forgotten. Still waiting to hear back from school, I'm not sure how long these things usually take or even if they send you an actual letter in the mail. I'm sure you'll here from me though when I do. Hopefully it's good news! Ciao for now! And let's hope my computer is fixed soon!!

A.

Reading update

So I have officially passed the half-way point in my reading journey of 2012. Which is good because December 31st is fast approaching and I still have 35 books to finish!! I was doing the math and I was thinking I probably won't make my goal of 500 books, 335 of which are currently documented on Goodreads. When I started this goal 9 years ago I thought reaching 500 books would be easy!! I added 100 books to my Goodreads number because there are lots of books I've read that are not documented on there. Childhood books, school books, project books, things I've forgotten I read, etc. I thought if I could reach 400 documented books that would be the perfect compromise to reaching my goal, since I did an awful job of documenting my reading after I made that goal. I was clearly not that organised at 16 :P

So I have 35/65 books read for this year and about 2.5months left to reach it. If I wanted to complete my goal that would leave 35 more books I would need to read by February 18th which seems pretty unlikely. Somewhere along the way though I realized that reaching the goal wasn't so important anymore. In a small way this goal has pushed me outside my comfort zone and opened up opportunities and realizations about myself that I didn't know before. I've read books that under normal circumstances I would have never previously read, but I wanted to be open to reading new things. Even if I didn't like the book, I was able to learn something about myself. When I decided to start blogging the books I read, I in essence started writing again.

Writing has always been something I loved. I have always been good at writing and as I read my first book review to the most recent I notice that my writing has become better. I learned how to write a book review and I learned how to write about how a book made me feel. Some reviews were easier than others, and some reviews I haven't written yet. But I wanted to make sure I blogged about my experience. My friend made a good point the other day when I said that I didn't think I would reach my goal and it was "as long as you're having fun". All this reading has given me a great escape into new worlds I never would have experienced otherwise and its been an amazing journey so far. My vocabulary has improved and I feel smarter, my imagination is getting a workout and its given me time to myself. 

So here's to reading as many books as humanly possible by February 18th, 2013. The most important thing I learned from this is that even once my birthday passes I'm going to keep reading. There is always a new book out there waiting to be discovered, waiting to be read and waiting to take me on an unforgettable journey!! And I'm going to meet it head on.

A.

Beauty and the Beast

The demon lies dormant
Waiting to be risen
Relishing my torment
Within this hellish prison

He whispers in my ear
Tells lies of who to be
As I look into the mirror
Distorts the images I see

I clamber for the sky
Amidst the muk and mire
I spread my wings to fly
But they have caught on fire

The demon speaks so softly
Beckoning my trust
To decline would be costly
Although I know I must

But do I have such courage
To slay the beast within
In my heart I disparage
I'll do anything to be thin

As the beast lets out a triumphant roar
I know it must be too late
I lay my head down on the floor
And resign myself to my fate

I think of a sweet lotus flower
As it sprouts up from the mud
Cherishing my final hour
Feel the rushing of the flood

As the demon encompasses me
Tears gush down my face
Although I hold the key
I am too weary for this race

As this battle rages ever on
I'm soon to be deceased
Forever the demons pawn
As beauty is the beast

Reading: A Narrative

Take me on a journey
and let me feel the winding highs.
My heart explodes with emotion
Whilst my soul deeply sighs

Feel it coursing though my veins
Bringing me higher and higher
More spirit and more passion
burning like unquenchable fire

I need it, want it
Filled with a selfish desire
I demand it, devour it,
The situation has become dire

More suspense, more thrill
Leading me to the great beyond
But I start to sink, down, down
My moment no longer prolonged

I'm falling somewhere
To god only knows
My very great highs
Followed by damaging lows

As the fire burns out
I'm left an empty shell
Reality sets in
And I'm greeted by hell

My greatest distortion

Is my strongest despair

That this sweet intoxication

Is something I can bare

My deception is great
Since I always forget
My very great highs
Are filled with regret

As I turn a new page
I'm greeted with worries
But I don't need your help,
Just give me more stories...

The Tiger Saga

I did a more detailed first impression of the first book, so I'm going to keep this one a lot more brief. Encompassing Tiger's Quest, Tiger's Voyage and Tiger's Destiny, I have one word for them, AH-FREAKING-MAZING!! This series was so good I forgot to watch the Vampire Diaries!! I FORGOT VAMPIRE DIARIES!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! I have spent the past 5 days vigorously reading like a maniac and only getting 5hrs sleep. I haven't even been eating properly. Considering I spent 2 of those days working 10.5hrs I'd consider my ability to read all four books that fast as an obsessive compulsion. They consumed me and lead me down one of the craziest emotional rollercoaster's of my life.  
I couldn't put it down, like I literally would put the book down, try to go to bed, and then start reading again. When I would FINALLY force the book out of my hands by giving it to my husband because I knew I had to work I would think about it until I fell asleep. The past 3 nights I've had off so I read until I could not keep my eyes open anymore, (which was around 5am)  and even then I was pretty stubborn and would try and keep reading. In fact, last night I dreamed about the books all night... or rather all morning... 

I am completely engulfed, and I don't want to be saved. If these books aren't under the Christmas Tree I will be disappointed! The only reason why I'm not restarting book 1 is because I still need to read 30 more books by December 31st. I read these books with such fervor I don't feel ready to start a new book because I feel like I need to just sit on this one for a bit. There was so much, my brain feels overloaded and I want to soak up every detail! I've even considered taking Hindi as an elective in school next year because I never realized what a pretty language it was. Go read these books, and make sure you have nothing to do because trust me when I say it is SO easy to just say "one more chapter". One more chapter leads into one more break which leads into one more page which leads into one more paragraph, which leads into one more sentence, which leads into "I'll just read to the end of the chapter"... and then BAM! Its 5 o'clock in the morning and you're eyes are feeling really droopy, but you keep reading saying "I just need to finish this story thought, I'll stop when they pause"... and then you're asleep on the couch. I will leave you with two quotes. They are both from Tiger's Destiny since that's the one I just finished. There's no spoilers.

"Somehow I made my way upstairs and washed my face and hands. I walked into my closet and discarded several items of clothing. Angrily, I tore through my closet, ripping clothes off hangers and throwing them violently across the room. I shredded the plastic wrapping on new clothes, then wadded the skirts into balls and pitched them at the wall.
       When that wasn't satisfying, I started on the shoes. I picked out the heaviest and hurled them. They each hit the wall with a gratifying bang. When I ran out of ammunition, I used my fists. I punched the wall over and over again until I tore the skin across my knuckles. Tears streamed down my face, and I collapsed into a wounded heap on top of my pile of shoes.
A shadow fell over my body. "What can I do?" Ren asked. He sat on the floor of my closet and pulled me into his lap.
I sniffed. "I don't have anything to wear."
"I can see that. Someone destroyed your closet while we were away."
I laughed wetly and then sobbed." (pg. 84)

"Cool? You are a devastatingly beautiful angel of death. If death came for me and it looked like you, I'd go willingly." (pg. 376) 

A.

Tiger's Curse

What’s not to love about this book! It takes the perfect balance of romance and action to a whole new level. Our lead is Kelsey Hayes, recently turned 18, orphan, looking for a summer job. She is, I think, what most post high schoolers are; a jumbled mix of emotions, filled with questions like “Which post-secondary school am I going to?” and “What will I major in?”, at least that’s how I felt after high school. She is very perceptive and smart, but not in an unrealistic way. I find her very relatable and I would probably be feeling the exact same as her if I was in that situation. Oh and there is the super hunky, half-Asian, half-Indian, Dhiren (Ren). He is everything you want a lead male to be, sensitive but not overly, strong, mysterious, muscular, piercing eyes, writes poetry and loves the classics, and boy does he know it; sex drips from every page that he is on. 

The chemistry between Kelsey and Ren is electric. It burns with this intensity but has an innocence that can only be portrayed in first love. Kelsey struggles a lot with her own fears and insecurities which gives their relationship a sense of realism. It’s not perfect and I liked that. Sometimes I found myself getting a little bit annoyed but when I reflected back I had to admit that I struggled with a lot of the same insecurities at that age. As Kelsey is thrown into the middle of a 350 year old curse she is forced to find a courage she didn’t know she had and helping Dhiren and his brother Kishan drives her to search deep inside herself for strength. She leaves behind everything she’s ever known to travel across India with Ren and Mr. Kadam searching for clues on how to break the curse, and we get some wicked action, Indiana Jones style. There are the traditional ancient temple booby trap sequences and also some that are magically infused. 

Colleen Houck really knows how to give us just the write amount of romance to get the blood pumping and then fluidly leads us into some of the most exciting action sequences I've read in a long time. The writing in this book is phenomenal. It pulls you into the story in a way few books ever have for me. My surroundings become invisible and there is only me and Kelsey traveling in a strange land trying to figure everything out. Tiger’s Curse is the first of four books with the fifth slated for a 2013 release and I seriously can not wait to read them. She definitely leaves you wanting more… and more… and more!! So far I would give this a solid PG-13 rating. I recommend this book to anyone who likes fantasy, action, romance and new cultures! I had to download a Hindi-English dictionary to understand some words and sentences and it just added so much more to the intrigue of the book.  

Go get this book NOW! :D

A.

Mockingjay

**There isn't actual PLOT spoilers, but maybe its a bit spoilery just because the books are so contrasty??** (I don't know)

***note***

I was going to do Catching Fire and Mockingjay together, but this ended up being about Mockingjay only. Catching Fire is a limbo book for me. It has small remnants of The Hunger Games, but those are slowly squashed out to make way for Mockingjay. So here's what I ended up with.

I can’t right an objective review of these books. This is my third time trying to write this review and I’ve about given up. I was too emotionally invested in this series and every time I sit and try and write a review all I seem to do is write about how pissed off I am. I felt like Suzanne Collins sat at her desk and thought “How can I take this really awesome female lead and completely destroy her”.  And thus Mockinjay was created. In war generally the bad shit falls randomly, but in Mockingjay everything was directed at Katniss. Everything was “how can I destroy Katniss; how can I strip her of everything she was; how can I take away everything that mattered to her”.

Maybe it’s the idealist in me, but Katniss was this amazing and fiery character in The Hunger Games and I expected more of THAT Katniss in the rest of the series.  Instead we are given an empty, broken shell of herself.  By the time I finished Mockingjay I was so numb, nothing really meant anything anymore. Mockingjay crossed a line for me, and there was no coming back from that. I broke. I was done. That was it. In the end everything Katniss worked for failed, her sole purpose throughout the whole series was destroyed in one line. ONE SENTENCE; that is how much worth was given to destroy everything she had worked for. Because of this I felt like the ending was just tacked on to placate me, “And they all lived happily ever after… with severe mental health issues”, like somehow that’s supposed to make it all better.

I leave you with a quote from this review on Goodreads that I thought best described my feelings about the book.

“I guess what depresses me most about this book is that I expected so much more from it. I know Collins is capable of power. In the end, I was too numb to feel its power, to even cry, to feel anything at all. I left a fantastic series with a major blank."

A.

My favourite house of night quotes

You can read my review here otherwise please enjoy the quotes and commentaries :D

"Crap _____! You scared me so bad I almost peed on myself" 

I swear this is the new "Fair point well made, miss Steele". Its so overused, and the reader does NOT need to know she almost peed herself every time she got scared (which seems more often than is normal with how often this phrase is used).

"darkness does not always equate to evil just like light does not always bring good"

This is quoted so many times, its like whenever she needed an extra line of writing, this would get slotted in there.

“I don’t like the way he looks at you.”
 My stomach lurched. “What do you mean? How does he look at me?”
“Like you’re not a student and he’s not a teacher.”

This series is so quotable, this is one of my favourite ones, but don't be fooled. Context is everything.

 "I continued as I finished smudging a little liner on my eyes (And I mean a little - the line-your-eyes-till-you-look-like-a-scary-raccoon is definitely not the look for me. Actually, its not the look for anyone.)"

Because when I think "a LITTLE liner" I instantly picture raccoon eyes and therefore totally needed her to clarify that for me. Thanks so much Zoey!

"Really?" I was amazed people actually lived like that. "You guys are rich."

 Aphrodite's parents have automatic bill payments... Apparently only rich people can set that up...

"The cupboards had a bunch of stuff in them, but it was all rich-people food. You know, imported tins of fish that still have their heads on, smoked oysters, other strange meat and pickled stuff, and long boxes of something called water crackers."

Man, those canned foods are so expensive these days...

"I thought she was full of poopy, but didn't want to say anything (especially since she'd make fun of me saying "poopy" instead of the s word)."

Please someone, find me a 17 year old who talks like this!

"Thankfully, the clouds had that had rolled in during the late night hours had multiplied, and the morning was dark and gloomy. All Aphrodite would have to do was cross the little grassy area that sat between the road and the wall that surrounded the school, go through the trapdoor, and then follow the sidewalk a short way to the dorm. As the Twin's would say, easy-peasy. I squinted up at the sky, considering whether I should try asking the wind to blow in more clouds to make it even darker, but a glance at Aphrodite's sullen face made me decide, nah, should deal with the sunlight."

Thanks so much Zoey for that extremely detailed explanation of how Aphrodite planned to go through the trapdoor to get back to the dorms. I kind of understood that from Aphrodite's dialogue piece where she stated she was going to go through the trapdoor to get back to the dorms. Meanwhile, P.C. Cast has another half page of pointless writing.

"While I attempted to continue to convince myself I'd made the right choice, I remembered what else was going on today. The Dark Daughters' Full Moon Ritual. My heart sank into my clenching stomach. Normally, I'd be excited and a little nervous. Today I was just stressed. On top of everything else, having Aphrodite join our circle wasn't going to be a popular move. Whatever. My friends were just going to have to deal with it. I sighed. My life seriously sucked. Plus, I was probably depressed. Didn't depressed people sleep for, like, ever?"

Context: Zoey is dating 3 of the hottest guys, one of them being the super hunky temp poetry teacher. She suspects her step-father of murder, oh ya, and she's the strongest fledgling (vampire in transition) to ever grace the face of the earth, has special magical powers, immense physical beauty, and is virtually unstoppable, is the most popular girl on campus and has a bunch of friends who follow her around like loyal little puppies. Yes Zoey, you're life is SOOOO awful! How do you wake up every morning. You might as well just commit sepaku right now. Clearly after sleeping EIGHT HOURS the night before you are severely depressed and should seek medical attention...

I'll sign off on my dialogue pieces that made these awful books worth it.

"Yeah," he said coldly. "Finding out my girlfriend, who has been playing oh-so-innocent with me, is really a slut would have been no problem if you'd, I don't know, advertised it in the school paper. Yeah, that would have been way better."
I flinched at his hateful tone, "I'm not a slut."
"Looked like you were doing a good imitation of one."

"Stop plaaying games with me. And you think Aphrodite is a hateful bitch? You make her look like a fucking angel!" (Woohoo go Erik!)

A.

The House of Night, books 1-3

The travesty that is the House of Night series is that P.C. Cast made an incredible world with an interesting story and then stuck unforgiving characters and shit dialogue into it. I legitimately wish I could read the rest of the series to find out what happens because the world is interesting, and the plot SHOULD be completely enthralling, there is just one small problem. The main character (Zoey) is a whiny ho-bag, the "twins" are a bunch of dumb bitches, and Damien and Jack are so gay stereotyped it feels completely unreal. And her main boyfriend, 19yr old Erik, doesn't grow any balls until the end of book 3 when he gets severely hurt and FINALLY (to my great satisfaction) calls Zoey a slut! That two pages of dialogue was the most satisfying part of this whole awful experience. (And then they write him out, psh)

The only likeable character in this series so far is the character everyone in the book hates, Aphrodite. I survived what is the first 3 books (barely) with my life. It was a close call, I've never had such a struggle to try and finish a book before and I'll admit I speed read a bunch and skipped a couple Zoey rants near the end of book 3. One of the biggest problems is that hardly anything happens in the books. Its like trying to watch the Naruto anime. By the time you FINALLY get back to the plot you are so frustrated and annoyed you can't even enjoy it, and then you are tossed into more filler shit. These 3 books could have been written into one really good book, but instead they are filled with multiple explanations and recaps of things you already know or are blatantly obvious. 

Half the book feels like she is just trying to fill pages, which unfortunatly takes away from the story. The story should be good but the honest truth is you could probably read every second or third book and not be confused by whats going on. Book one had the longest time span, I think it covered one whole month. Book two covered about two weeks and book three filled over 300 pages from a whopping 4 days! Do you realise all the incredible adventures Harry Potter had in his first year at Hogwarts? And that book was 310 pages. Instead of filling one book full of action packed adventure, P.C. Cast fills 3 books full of shit and dons it with jewels and feathers to try and make it look more appealing.

My rating for this series is 2 Anastasia's out of 5 Christian Grey's, because at least 50 Shades had sex in it.

A.

P.S.  Post with some of my favourite quotes here

Anam Cara

I’m unsure how to start this post. I guess I should start by saying I only got 3.5hrs of sleep last night. Normally this would be a bad thing, but in this case it was a good thing. I can’t help but feel excited this morning because of it, even though I might be suffering at work a little. So here is how yesterday went and how I found an Anam Cara (I really like that word!)

As per my usual, work was total chaos! And after not sleeping well the past few nights I was definitely feeling the burn. When I get high stressed I find it hard to eat so my eating habits had been sub-par to say the least and I wasn’t feeling too great, but I had a bunch of previous commitments and I felt bad canceling. So I forced myself to push through all the stress and anxiety. After work I went to my friend’s son’s 1 year birthday party! Which was so much fun and seriously, he is SUCH a cutie!! But that is beside the point. I was supposed to go to this housewarming party after the birthday party but I really wasn’t feeling up to it. I battled with myself for a little while humming and hawing, telling myself I was tired, I hadn’t eaten all day, it was all the way in Cloverdale, I didn’t even know anybody, how was I going to make conversation; all these arguments with myself about how I didn’t want to go, which boiled down to, I was feeling nervous and anxious and I wanted to go hide in my bubble at home and play guitar and go to sleep.

I didn’t do that. I forced myself to go. I stopped at my parents place on the way for some moral support, which I got from my brother who was home and went on my way (it was right around the corner from their house). I nervously walked up to the door and rang the bell, wondering if I had made the right decision in coming. All my doubts disappeared when I walked up the stairs and saw the look on my co-workers face, and thus started the night I found a kindred spirit. I’ve been thinking of it a lot because I thought the word kindred spirit was appropriate at the time but wasn’t sure exactly what it meant so I did some Google searching and was pleasantly surprised. www.dictionary.com defines a kindred spirit as,  

“a person who shares beliefs, attitudes, feelings, or features with another; also called kindred soul”

Although I had to agree with this definition, I felt like it was lacking in the way I felt during our conversations last night, so I went on Yahoo answers and found this definition,

“Some one you feel connected to but they aren't your soul mate”

I was really intrigued by this answer because it takes the connection beyond the physical attributes and gives it a metaphysical meaning. But I wanted to know more still, so as I was perusing I found this website (link) and my search ended. This was the definition I had been searching for,

“Kindred spirits are people that you connect with on a deeper level than just basic intellectual and emotional interaction. They are one who you have a unique spiritual connection with. That feeling that somehow you must have known them in a previous life and you've finally reunited.”

 because against all my anxiousness and reservations there was this instant familiarity with her. I was telling her stuff I hadn’t shared with anyone except my psychologist and that was ok. It just felt right. And the more we talked, the more we were the same. My anxieties were her anxieties, her beliefs were my beliefs, I was musical, and she was musical. We shared the same reservations, struggled with similar dysmorphia’s; it was really weird to be honest and now I’m trying to get rid of my self-doubt that maybe I overreacted or something.

No matter what though, it was an awesome time, and I was able to mingle and talk with complete strangers. I grew. I’m going to leave you with a final quote that I really loved, and where I got the Anam Cara word from. When I read it there is only one person I think of, I have known her for 17 of my 25 year lifespan and I hope everyone can experience a friendship like this at some point in their life. 

“The Celtic understanding of friendship found its inspiration and culmination in the sublime notion of the anam cara. Anam is the Gaelic word for soul; cara is the word for friend. So anam cara means soul friend. The anam cara is a person to whom you can reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship is an act of recognition. When you have an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You are joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul. Central here is the recognition and awakening of the ancient belong-ing between two friends. Since the human heart is never completely born, love is the continuous birth of creativity within and between us.

The anam cara experience opens a friendship that is not wounded or limited by separation or distance. Such friendship can remain alive even when the friends live far away from each other. Because they have broken through the barriers of persona and egoism to the soul level, the unity of their souls is not easily severed. When the soul is awakened, physical space is transfigured. Even across the distance two friends can stay attuned to each other and continue to sense the flow of each other's lives. With your anam cara you awaken the eternal. In this soul-space there is no distance.”

Take Care,

A.

October 1st

One year ago at this exact moment I was sitting in my mom's living room nervously anticipating the arrival of my bridesmaids, hair stylist and make up artist. I had slept all of 2 hours the night before, watching the clock flitter by all night, too anxious to sleep. Before I knew it the limo was showing up, boy did that morning go by fast. A flurry of make up, hair, laughing, everyone getting into their dresses. Everyone looked so beautiful!
One year ago today I married my best friend. I said I do, to the person I had decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And then we had the best party I've ever been too. The best part of your wedding is that you get to pick everything! They play all your favourite music, you get to visit with all your family and friends and party all night long. And I got to do it TWICE! With all my friends in BC and then with all my family in Ontario! I still look at my wedding dress hanging in the closet and wish I had some excuse to wear it again! I never felt so good, as on my wedding day!
And so here we are one year later. 366 days (leap year) later, and I am looking forward to many more years, days, hours, minutes, with the love of my life.

A.

Life and Poetry

Last night I slept over 11hrs. It was past 11am when I woke up, and it felt really great. Recently I have tried to take at least one morning where I can sleep as much as I want to recuperate from the busy week and its been very effective. I'm not as tired during the week if I can have just one whole night to sleep, and over the past few weeks I haven't had to force myself to sleep, I just give into exhaustion and rest and when I wake up I'm surprised at how late it usually is. There is something about letting my body rest that helps me deal with other things in life better. I'm less grumpy, I don't stress out as much, I'm not snappy, get less annoyed and just feel happier in general.

This weeks success story is work has been totally crazy and I didn't freak out once. Not one single time. There was a very close call on one occasion when I thought I lost some very important papers but one of the nurse's helped me look and she found them so that crisis was averted. If I found myself getting annoyed with something I would have this pop in my head "do it for yourself". Don't do it because someone asked you, but do it because you want to do it, and my annoyance or irritation would fade away. And I found when I would get too overwhelmed someone would jump in and start helping. 

For example, my last shift for the week was yesterday and it was a really crazy day, like, I didn't go for lunch until 3pm crazy and all of a sudden the nurse's started jumping in and helping me out. Answering the phone, or picking up orders, we just all together powered through a whole bunch of work together and I was able to go for my lunch break and I was really touched. I felt so lucky that I worked with such amazing people and grateful that I didn't even have to ask, they just saw how overwhelmed I was and jumped in to help. I left work a little stress, a lot tired, but proud. Proud to work with such good people, and proud that I made it through a whole week without snapping or getting angry.

I also wrote a poem!! Or I thought a poem. Walking to work one morning I composed a poem.  The last time I wrote a poem (that was good) was about 6-7 years ago. Somewhere I lost the inspiration, every time I would try it would feel forced and I'd scrap it. This is progress! This is more proof that I'm headed in the right direction! 

The sky

Bright pink streaks

Cold chill

Fog on the river

Traffic rush

The world waking up

Leaves crunch

Another morning in September

This isn't the one I wrote that morning, I had forgotten it by the time I got to work, but this is really similar to it. It describes my morning, as a poem!! I wrote a poem!

A.

P.S. Today I appreciated hot showers and ice water.

Appreciation Day

Today is an appreciation day! It could very well be that the caffeine from my espresso has released an extra dose of endorphins into my system thereby heightening my senses into a semi-overloaded state and pushing my body into a minor panic attack, but “appreciation day” just sounds so much nicer. So let’s appreciate! On my way to work I realised how fortunate I was to live in a society that was very much multicultural! All I have to do is walk out my front door and the world is my ocean, from restaurants to festivals, I don’t have to travel very far to experience different parts of the world in my own backyard. And this is an exciting concept for me and I am glad that I have this opportunity.

The other thing I noticed is how green the trees were today. I pass through a super tiny wooded area on my way to work every day and today I stopped looking at my feet and noticed the fir tree’s there were really green; a vibrant, deep, forest green just waking up from the morning mist, shining with the mid-morning light from the rising sun. This was a beautiful sight. And I thought we live in such a beautiful province and its easy to take it for granted, but nothing beats the view of the mountains on a clear day when you are driving down the highway. I wish I had a picture to share but all I can do is hope the image of the trees will be imprinted in my memory for a long time.

Starting the day off on a positive note really helps set the mood for the rest of the day. I think I should add that to my resolution list; to think of at least one positive thing every morning and get excited about it. I think I am well on my way to start my own happiness project in January. There is a lot to be excited for right now in my life and I am going to appreciate it. So I will challenge you too. When something negative happens make an effort to counter that with at least one positive thing, and I’m going to do the same!

Ciao for now,

A.

A post of jumbled thoughts

Slept a long time last night, now I just need to decide which book I will read... decisions decisions... I have so much on my mind recently; so many questions without answers, so many things that scare me about my future that I don't even want to think about anything. I started this book reading thing as a way to accomplish a goal, and then I thought blogging about the experience would be a cool way to share with people about the books I read and what I thought of them and now its turned into something bigger. I thought blogging about the books would motivate me to blog more, but it really didn't, I just felt more pressure of all the blogging I was neglecting. I have to blog because I like doing it, so let's just blog my journey right now. My journey right now is a little frustrating and a lot scary. I don't know if you, who are reading this right now, has ever tried to apply to post-secondary school but it's a little bit complicated. I was so excited at first because I found this really awesome program at the university of Victoria (hereby mentioned as UVic) that got me super pumped about going back to school; then I started thinking.  I know from past experience that thinking can be a very bad thing, but let me tell you, my brain will NOT turn off.

Should I try for early admission? Are my grades high enough? High School was 7 (going on 8) years ago. Can I even do this? How will I pay tuition? How can I afford rent in Victoria? OMG, I'll have to move. OMG I'll have to relinquish my position at the hospital. OMG, I wont have extended health, dental and vision care anymore. How can I go to school and work at the same time? What happens if I don't get in? Should I try and take part time courses until I can get into a full time program? Should we look into buying a place instead of renting? Then I get this knot in my stomach and go back to, can I even do this? I want out of my job, but am I willing to give it up? Can I give it up? I'm not just supporting me anymore, I'm married now. Will my husband be able to find work in Victoria? Will my husband make enough to support us? Should I apply to multiple schools when I really have my heart set on just one?

And on and on it goes in a giant swirl until I feel like my head is going to explode, and then I open my book... or one of my books, since I have about 4 on the go again. I don't do it on purpose, but I find sometimes if I can't concentrate I can trick my brain by switching through books every chapter because it keeps my brain busy circulating through the different stories. But should I finish one, or continue another? I love books! I love reading! I love writing! All things shoved aside, I feel good about this decision. The most important to me right now is how I feel. When I think of everything that has become uncertain in my life, one thing I don't feel is stressed out. Anxious, scared, excited, happy, I feel all those things, but for the first time in a really long time I don't feel stressed out about it. And that makes me feel positive about this direction.

Love and Peace,
A.

The Fault in Our Stars

The Fault in Our Stars

"She said, "I won't be a mom anymore." That gutted me pretty badly.
I couldn't stop thinking about that during the whole Cancer Team Meeting. I couldn't get it out of my head, how she sounded when she said that, like she would never be okay again, which probably she wouldn't." Pg. 117

You really have to think about that. You have to imagine that you had a child and you lived with them and you talked with them and their laugh and the way they cried and the sound of their voice. Maybe you're 45 years old and you have at least another 30 or 40 years left and its just you. You have to imagine how emtpy the house would seem, how quiet it would be; the walls would resonate with pain and sadness. Every time you looked at the empty chair at the dinner table, or the empty bed in the bedroom, you would be reminded of the person who used to be there. You would remember peaking in while they slept and listening to their breathing, in and out, and seeing their sleeping face; how peaceful they looked. And every time you walked through the house you would be reminded of what could never be, and what never was. This emptiness that would gut you and might never go away and every year there would be a birthday and a death day, for the rest of your life that you could never escape.  And people would go on living their lives and expect you to go back to your life but your child never would. Your child would be dead. Every morning would be a cloudy sunrise and every evening a moonless night, the stars would lose their brilliance, the brightest colours would dull; teardrops would turn to rain on a window pane. Cooking a meal would only serve as a painful reminder that you are now cooking for one less. This emptiness would gut you.  And that's why parents should never out live their children.

And that pretty much sums up that book. I would consider this a solid mediocre book. Mostly because it was predictable, I pretty much guessed the ending near the beginning of the book. The writing was decent. Would I read it again? Probably not. But I enjoyed it while I read it.

School, Education and the foggy uncertainty of my future

I never had a plan. When people asked me "What do you want to do when you grow up?" my answer was simple, find me a husband and have me some kids. All those grand childhood dreams of being a singer or a dancer, some kind of musician, never amounted to much. Not for a lack of want so much as a lack of self-confidence. In fact, my whole life can probably be summed up by my lack of self-confidence. I chose things I knew I would excel at so I wouldn't be disappointed if I failed. Trust me when I say failure + low self-confidence is pretty debilitating. I chose the safe route; I was a practical person. I made smart life choices, I didn't accumulate debt, I owned my car, I accomplished things and it made me feel better about myself. Then one day I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, honestly when I walked into my psychologists office on that first day I was borderline agoraphobic. All that internalizing had finally manifested in these awful panic attacks and I couldn't shove my issues "under the rug" so to speak. This is when my journey begins. I won't bore you with all the milestone details but suffice to say I learned that I needed a life goal.

Now don't get me wrong, I like my job. The people I work with are amazing and I consider myself very fortunate to work with such an awesome team, but the stresses of my job are bad. My best description is an abusive relationship,

"I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
Wait! Where you going?
"I'm leaving you"
No you ain't. Come back we're running right back.
Here we go again
It's so insane cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who's that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength"

That's right, I share this kind of relationship with my work so you can understand how, when I realized this, I felt the need to change it. But how? What dream is this? My job is great, I get a decent middle class wage, a pension and full benefits, it doesn't make sense to change jobs. I argued with myself,  how will I pay for school, what will I even take? For months now I have been pondering this one seemingly simple question. What will I even take? I had dreams once but none of that will make me money. I need a practical job, I told myself. A practical job for a practical girl who can set up back into her zone of practicality, logic and comfort; I need something I know I can do. So for months I battled with it.

Things changed when I finally got this book. My friend suggested it to me quite a few months ago and I just recently got it, its called The Happiness Project. I'm starting to become a believer in "When you are ready for something, the universe will drop things in your path pertaining to it". If I had received this book at any other time I probably would have missed out on what it had for me. And what it had for me was one sentence

You can change what you do; you can't change what you like.

I really thought long and hard on that. I can't change what I like. Well, if I can't change what I like then whats to stop me from making money doing it? I really had to ask myself, "Why can't I make money doing _____?" and I was surprised by the answer because it was myself. I am the reason why I can't do that, I'm the only one stopping myself from doing what I really love to do. And for the first time in a really long time I got excited. I also got scared, very scared, because all of a sudden my future became quite foggy. If I was going to make money doing something that I loved then I had so many options, but off all those options my most practical choice was writing. I love writing, I know I'm good at writing, I've had lots of compliments on my writing and I have lots to write about. I have a blog and I'm currently writing my way through a ton of book reviews. I don't have some grand novel of fictitious and amazing characters sitting in my desk, but why do I need that to write?

And now here I am looking up schools and deadlines and application processes and student loans. I'm thinking of all the traveling I want to do and how I can write about it. I am thinking of all my life experiences and I can write about that too. My life is full of uncertainties and I feel happy. For the first time in 25 years I am full of confidence. I can write about all of this, everything, and there is nothing stopping me anymore.

Burned - Ellen Hopkins

Ok, I’m a little resentful towards this book. I’ll lay it out right now, its not going to be a happy review. You follow the main character who is a girl in a very southern, traditional Mormon family. Her father is an alcoholic who beats his wife and she has lots of brothers and sisters. I read a lot of complaints saying that it was a total misrepresentation of the Mormon religion, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the main point of the story. Nothing would change if they were a different religion. There are so many different sects to any form of religion I hardly think someone who isn’t familiar with it will assume every family is a carbon copy and every church or meeting place is as well.

Moving on, she has this spurt of rebellion where she starts dating a non-mormon boy behind her parents back and gets shipped off to her aunts for the summer. She is very pessimistic about things like love and affection but she wants to believe there is something bigger out there than the violent and abusive existence she is stuck in. She has no supportive friends, family; even her study group leader stonewalls her when she tries to ask questions. Then she visits her aunt and she finds something she’s never experienced before, which is love and praise, someone telling her she’s good and not worthless.

It made me believe for her that her life would get better, could get better. This book strings you along the whole time giving you hope that she can escape. But no. She doesn’t. At the end of the book everyone she loves is dead. Dead. They’re all dead. And to top it all off her family abandons her. This book made me feel really good and in the final moments near the end it dumps a whole pile of shit all over you and then a big steamroller drives right over top of you just for good measure. I don’t recommend this book unless you really prep for the most awful ending you could imagine.

I thought the book was about redemption and finding yourself and it was, but there was no need to end it so cruelly. Her life was so bad, so awful, she was treated like a maggot, she was abused physically and mentally, when she tried to change it and make a positive effort to have a better life it doesn’t, just more bad shit happens to her, culminating in 2 awful and uncalled for deaths. I was so disappointed. The title of this book is appropriate I guess. If there is any lesson it’s to not put yourself out there and try not to hope things will get better because you’ll just get burned. I would say it was a good book, just you know, DON’T read the last several pages. 

Crank - Ellen Hopkins

I liked this book, even though I found it a little disturbing at times. In case you don’t know, because I didn’t, Crank is a low grade Meth, cheaper and less pure than crystal. I found this book a little scary because the girl could be anyone. It could be you, me, my neighbour, the story was real. Working in a hospital I see what drugs can do to a person and you always wonder why and how. This book gives an example of how an ordinary teenager can get sucked in. It made this book very sad, seeing who she was and what she became. I know its fiction, but I just wanted to hop into the book and help her. It’s the 1st book in a trilogy, but I doubt I’ll read the other two, mainly because I like happy endings, and this one doesn’t seem very happy. How Meth can destroy a person and the damage they leave in its wake. 

What I really loved was the writing style. There are no chapters; everything is poems. I’ve never read anything like it and it was a nice change. I would think it might be hard to convey an actual story in poem form but Ellen Hopkins does it so fluidly, expressing just the right words to portray any emotion. If you are interested in reading different writing styles and don’t mind a bit of a sad story I definitely recommend it. It was a real eye opener for me since I am so green on the subject. Can’t remember what I gave it on good reads but I would rate it a solid 4.5/5 at least.

Update and The Catcher in The Rye

I know I've been absent. I could make up a bunch of excuses but the truth is I just haven't taken the time to sit down and write any reviews, and let me tell you they are piling up!! So expect me to post a bunch in the coming days :D I did that crazy thing where I borrowed a ton of books from the library and felt like I did nothing but read for 4 weeks. Now that I've slowed down a bit, hopefully I can become a bit more consistent with writing the reviews as I finish the books. Or you know, at least post twice a week. I have really enjoyed all this reading, even under pressure. When I didn't feel like reading I read anyway to reach my deadline and honestly, after I got into the book, I didn't even mind! I've read so many different kinds of books and my list just keeps getting bigger, it seems like there is always a book to read and I don't know if I'll ever catch up, or want to.

I started this as a goal to reach 500 books before my 26th birthday but I've discovered a whole world of books I didn't even know existed and I'm loving it! From classic to contemporary, fantasy to reality I can't seem to devour fast enough. I even feel smarter, haha. So without further ado, here's my very small review on The Catcher in The Rye.


The Catcher in the Rye

I didn’t like this book. It wasn’t a bad book; it’s just not my kind of book. I don’t really have much to say about it either. I think my biggest problem with the book was the main character. I couldn’t relate to him and I didn’t really feel bad for anything that happened and honestly he was really annoying. I pushed through the book to finish it, but by the end of it I just couldn’t stand to listen to his thoughts anymore. I understand that it was written during a different time and his character was obviously written that way specifically but I just couldn’t get passed it. He just seemed to whine and it turned into a constant droning in my head about how everyone was so fake and how he hated everyone for it. And after 200 pages of it, I was just glad it was over.

Diary: A Novel - Chuck Palahniuk

So, its been awhile since I blogged about a book, but I made the mistake of starting about 6 different series, so until I finish a bunch of them I only have the odd single book to blog about. If I could give you one piece of advice, don’t do that. Don’t start a bunch of different series at the same time. You’ll go crazy. On that note, let’s talk about this book.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect from this book. When it first started I was quite confused as to what it was supposed to be about and who was actually speaking. The entire book is written in 3rd person. Without revealing too much of the plot, you are reading the diary of Misty, wife and mother. I’ve never read a book like this so it was very interesting and it took me a little to get into it. I wasn’t sure if I would like the book, but it was so short (260pages) I figured I might as well just power through it and make my judgement after.

My judgement, I liked it but not until the end. In the days since reading it I’ve grown to appreciate the writing style more and more and the main characters sarcastic and witty thoughts made me laugh on a number of occasions. I never really understood exactly what was going on until the very end and some characters (like her daughter) really got on my nerves. That was probably the point though. If you like reading books that are different with a bit of a twist I highly recommend this one. 

A.

P.S. Today's weather is hopeful with small bursts of excitement :P

The Hunger Games ***SPOILERS***

Seriously ***SPOILERS!! DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW!!***

I suppose I should prequel this with “I watched the movie first”. In this instance I am very glad for that fact. In the movie you have less time to form an attachment to certain characters so when they die you feel less sad. This is an important fact for me in a book prevailing in death. I’ve been known to quit a whole series if I get too affected by something; I end up with too many emotions and can fix it only by trying to forget it happened. Although expecting it is only half of it, even when I know it’s going to happen a part of me still wishes it will end differently.

The book was, with the exception of a few minor details, exactly the same as the movie.  It’s written in first person so you really get into Katniss’ head; what she is thinking and her motives behind everything. You find out what drives her. I like this. It’s been awhile since I read a book in 1^st person.

This book seems very controversial since not only is it about killing, but it’s about killing children. I’m not sure if this should bother me more, but all I really think about is Gladiator. Sure Russell Crowe was an adult, but I doubt every gladiator in the coliseum was an ex-roman soldier, so I weigh it with similar value. Our civilization has proven throughout history that it finds entertainment in slaughter and death, so why should this future society be any different? The final death in the series is the most disturbing, and I try not to think of it because it makes me feel very sick. No one should be treated like that, and it really made me hate the Capitol as much as Katniss. More than anything I want her to win.

The death I was dreading throughout the book was Rue. I don’t remember feeling very affected by her death when I saw the movie but I didn’t really know her that well either. I remember the first time she was mentioned in the book, and every time her name came up I wanted to start crying. I knew she was going to die. I expected it. I still wanted it to be a lie. With every page turn I knew I was merely expediting the tragic scene of her death. The alliance doesn’t last long between Katniss and Rue, but every time Katniss speaks of her, mentions her, describes her, you’re left with this sense; you want her to live. I think it’s a little more impacting because she is the youngest. At 12 years old she is forced into this gruesome battle. At 12 years old she breathes her last breath. It’s not quick and it’s not painless. Of every death in this book Rue is the one that matters most, it is the most haunting, and no matter what else happens Katniss always comes back to Rue. I cried.

Pride & Prejudice and Through the Looking Glass

Since I'm already well into this I'll just start with the two most recent books I finished. I'll start with Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll because I have the least to say about it. Basically instead of Alice falling down a rabbit hole she gets sucked into a looking glass. Its just as messed up as Alice's first encounters in Wonderland and include memorable characters like tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. Its a very quick read so if you enjoyed Alice in Wonderland I do recommend this one. Alice is trying to make her way across a chess board to become the queen! And what an imagination she has to get there. I don't have much insight to share since, really, who knows what Lewis Carroll was thinking when he wrote this stuff. 

Pride and Prejudice is a book I've become completely enraptured by. I LOVED this book!! I finished it and wanted to start it over. I sufficed by reading some of my favourite scenes over again. From the first time you meet Mr. Darcy you just have to love him. Not because he's endearing in ANY way, but for his honesty and complete lack of restraint during his conversations with Miss Bennett. Likewise I think Eliza holds even less back and her frankness is quite admirable to someone like me who only wishes I could be as open as her. Every page kept me wanting more and I could hardly wait for their next encounter. One of my favourite scenes (which I think is for many) is his first confession scene.  I felt as surprised as Elizabeth did. And the "argument" that ensued is so honest and raw, everything they had been holding back before this moment is laid to the table. 
As you continue the book you see the dramatic change in attitude between first confession Darcy and second confession Darcy. He comes from a very proud and arrogant state and throughout the book you see his defenses completely stripped away. He takes every criticism Elizabeth so wantingly shares and makes an effort to improve and become a better person (which we see when she accidentally meets him at Pemberley). And likewise I suppose Elizabeth's great irony is from one her first references to Mr. Darcy where she states 

"Heaven forbid! - That would be the greatest misfortune of all! - To find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! - Do not wish me such an evil". 

Her prejudice toward Mr. Darcy is based on an account from a most unscrupulous character (Wickham); its not until his first confession that she learns the truth. After that she learns more about his true character and is forced to re-evaluate almost everything she previously thought about him. By the time they meet at Pemberly she's so embarrassed by her previous actions its really quite awkward (REALLY AWKWARD). 
Pemberley is the first time you start to see a big change in Elizabeth's attitude towards Mr. Darcy. Both characters have bewitched me and I will probably read this book many more times in my lifetime. For now I will leave you with one of the best confession scenes I've ever beheld. Matthew McFayden definitely makes a beautifully vulnerable Mr. Darcy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFsgLhx9dxg

My Challenge should I choose to accept it

When I was in highschool I made a list of things I wanted to do before I died (bucket list?) and I wrote them on my bedroom wall. I think there was only 10, and I forget most of them, but they were things like "Visit France and buy a whole outfit and eat real french bread" and "own a piece of the rainforest". Since starting on Goodreads I have added many books and am reminded of a goal I forgot about, which was to read 500 books by 25. As I add my 300th book to my "read" list on goodreads (that I can remember the title of at least) I realised I'm 200 books away from my goal and have only 7 months left before my 26th birthday. At the time I wrote this goal I didn't specify that they had to be novels, all I said was books. Now I know I have read plenty more books than I have on goodreads since I started reading when I was about 4 and have a whole box of childrens books I've read many times and have many books I read for school that I've forgotten about. So lets say I add 100 books to the list to make up for all the books I read as a child and all the school books I read for projects. That leaves me 7 months to read 100 books to reach my goal of reading 500 books before my 26th birthday. I legitimately want to try and reach this goal and I thought, "Hey, maybe I'll blog about it". I'm starting late, I've got 92 books left to reach 400 books on Goodreads, but I am going to start blogging my experience through this starting now. I need to read approx 13 books every month for the next 7 months to accomplish this goal by Feburary 18th which will is my 26th birthday. So look forward to many a blog post in the coming months. Depending on how much I struggle through some of the books on my list I might post at the end of each book or post once I get part way through. Wish my luck!! 

I might lose my job

I might lose my job. Not because of anything I did, but because someone very vindictive wants to pick on us because she couldn't get what she wanted. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think part of me wants to cry. I love where I work, and I think I would rather quit my job than work anywhere else. Of course that's absurd, because I have a wedding debt and a mortgage to save up for, and I wonder if she even realizes the kind of hurt she would cause to us. People are selfish, and they seldom think about what their actions mean. In this case, it means that our lines will be posted and none of us will get them, they will most likely go to some random unit clerk from different hospital who doesn't know anything about Neurology. I've worked there for 5 years. I've built up my knowledge, slaved, researched, in my own time to become worthy of working on a specialised unit like that. They don't teach us after school, they don't send us to extra classes like the nurses, wherever we go to after, we need to find that knowledge ourselves, and that's what I've done. I've worked to become the best neurology unit clerk I can be. And now someone wants to take that away me? Why? Because they couldn't get what they wanted? So they decided to pick on us and say "Well if I can't have what I wanted, then you can't have what you wanted" because that is exactly what she's saying. Let me explain.

My other unit clerk and I applied to go full time. We filled out the paper work, we talked to the union, went through HR, spoke with the manager, did everything it said we needed to do. Then a few months later our manager came to us and said "Congrats, approved everything is good we are going ahead with the lines" So I think that's fantastic! And so we have comfortably been working our lines for 4 going on 5 months now. Let me also say, we were working only part time before and its illegal to have no full time unit clerk. Because of previous changed to our floor (becoming Neurology specialised and everything) our lines were separated and it ended up that we were only working part time, so we wanted to make full time so that it would be legal again. The girl who is causing us grief wanted to go to all part time lines, its illegal according to the union, because you have to have at least one full time line. She pushed and pushed for it, because she only wanted to work 1-2 days a week and didn't want to work weekends, so obviously she wanted her lines to get approved, but they didn't, because its illegal.

So now, the most likely scenario is our lines will be posted, the girl will still be stuck in her shitty rotation and me and the other unit clerk will have no job. So the only reason I can see, why she did this, is to be vindictive. I just don't understand why we have to suffer because  she didn't get what she wanted. We did everything right!! We did exactly what everyone told us had to be done, and now because the union changed their minds I lose my job? Umm, hello, you told us it was ok the first time! Maybe its time I went back to school... Just wish I had more money saved, if I had known I would lose my job I wouldn't have been so keen to spend all that money. I still see a psychologist every month for my anxiety. I still have -8,100$ sitting in my bank account from the wedding. If this doesn't say "Ok, start freaking out" I don't know what does. My husband is going to school and has no job. Things I can do to be pro-active about this uncertain future.

Step 1. Don't actually freak out
Step 2. Don't emotional eat, Don't go shopping
Step 3. My husband is done in April, that's 2 months, I just need to keep this for 2 more months.
Step 4. Proactive saving. Save like crazy, no more spending, gotta get that emergency fund going!
Step 5. Post-pone honeymoon if need be, will wait and see. Might need the money.
Step 6. Hebrews 11:1