The Death of a Flower

Have you ever witnessed the death of a flower? It doesn't happen instantly; some people don't even notice, some people don't care, and some people have the fortune of never seeing it. I think its a hard feeling to describe. How do you put to words the beauty of a single flower? The way she's birthed, from beneath the earth she rises. With tender love and care she grows, until one day when the sun is beaming down, she blooms. Colours you've never seen before sparkle and shine in the sun and smile in the rain as it refreshes the earth around her. When the cool breeze of summer whisks her this way and that, like she's dancing to the song of mother earth, you can't help but be enraptured by her. The way she enjoys this new life, beautiful doesn't begin to express the passion one single flower brings to this world.

But then the sun starts coming around more and more infrequently; and the sprinkle of the rain turns into a downpour. The musical of the wind turns cold and bitter and that flower starts to feel burned. "What happened to us?" she calls to the sun as the storm clouds roll in. But the sun keeps its silence and turns its back on the flower. And as she drowns in the pool of water at her feet, she cries. As the days grow shorter and the nights colder I think nothing can possibly save her from this dark winter. And so I take a pot and I pick her up out of that frozen earth. I bring her inside where its warm, I try and shine a bright light on her and give her all the love I can muster, but my water is not the soft pitter patter of the rain, and my bright light is only a shadow of the sun.

When I gaze upon her beautiful colours now, her head hangs just a little bit lower. She no longer gazes up at the sun like she used to. Too hurt and scarred by the cold winter months, but no one hears her weep in that dark place. Forsaken by her sun she is left with a shadow of how it used to be. This constant reminder of what summer felt like, but can never be and she feels stifled. Every day when I gaze upon the flower that used to thrive and smile and laugh and be, I am reminded of how cruel this world can be. And so I watch her, as she withers, as her soul cries. As she longs for the freedom that was stolen from her, I watch her die, wondering if Spring will ever come back to save her.

But no one seems to notice. No one sees her weep in that dark place. Her soul calling out. No one see's her dying. Not like I do. And I can't save her. How useless. I can't even save one flower. And so I continue to shine that shadow and I continue to share that water, and I continue to watch her wither; waiting for Spring to come, and hoping when it does, its not too late.

Not knowing

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced this feeling... Not knowing. It's the worst feeling imaginable. The more time passes the worst the feeling gets. I don't know if hoping is in order or mourning, should I cry? Should I worry? Is no news really good news? 

It's been 7 days. This doesn't seem like a very long time, only one week. But when you don't know if someone is dead or alive it feels like an eternity. Are they safe in a shelter? Are they warm in a house, with a bed and family taking care of them? Are they buried under piles of ruble or have they been swept out to sea? Forever one of the missing, forever not knowing. What was her last thought? Was she alone? 

So many thoughts, too many possibilities. So much I can't do, I haven't decided what's worse, not knowing or feeling so helpless, unable to do anything. It doesn't matter that we haven't talked in years anymore, and telling myself I should have been a better penpal doesn't help, or telling myself I should have written her when I found the envelope with her address instead of throwing it out. What was I thinking?! Such valuable information!! 

I Wish I could just get on a plane with a name and a picture but I know that probably isn't logical. So now I wait. Not knowing. And always hoping. Suppressing the need to worry and the want to cry.  Not knowing. This, is definitely, the worst feeling imaginable. 

Hope

Humans are funny creatures, we are creatures of habit, we are creatures that remember, we forgive, we love, we hate, we feel. We hope. I always found hope to be the most dangerous feeling of all, for in hope lies the greatest sadness and disappointment or the strongest love and happiness. We hope for better things, a better life, a stronger love, a healed heart. In the weakness of others I hope to be stronger. In the happiness of others I hope not to be jealous.

I will not be weak! I don't know how many times I've told myself this over the years. I will be strong, I'm not like the others. I will not give up. I will not give up hope. That is a very dark place. One I will not visit again, for without hope there is nothing. There is a black hole. We live to hope. That people are good, that things will get better, that love will find us, that we aren't alone. What is weakness, but losing the hope that gives us our dreams, that gives us the will to survive. Hope lives in all of us.

I remember the dark, so much so that I clutch at my chest and will it all away. All of it, the sun scoffing at me with it's warm light, the stars shining like beacons, the moon and her everlasting beauty. And in that darkness I see a face. That smiling face, the one who birthed me and gave me life and I realize how selfish I am. My beacon of light, always there to remind me. 

There was a time in my life I thought the pain would never go away. There was a time when I was alone, no matter how many people, how many friends, I was always alone. And then I met a man, he was kind and gentle and although he had many darknesses and struggles I found I loved this man. I loved his crooked smile and the way he smelled, I loved the toughness and fragility of his heart. But even though I had a great love for him I was unable to save him. But that's not the point of this story, is it? I was not meant to save him, he was meant to save me. My lesson was that I could still love. Although I had lost all hope, although my heart had become hard and calloused, I could still love.

I became stronger. I told myself that no matter the hurt and no matter the pain I would never go to that dark place again. I would never lose that childish hope. The one that believes in fairytales and true love and happy endings. I learned I can only save myself. I can only keep the hope in me and let it shine on others. If I can do the same that one did for me that's all I can hope for. I will never be able to repay the gift that was given to me. My only hope is that I can be a light to someone else. Hope. For the future, for the good things to come, for new adventures, for excitement. I think Hope was the greatest. Love will wait until we find it, but it's the anticipation that Hope brings that we look forward to it when it does find us. Love is hard to find. It's hope that keeps us going. 

So my message to you is always hope. Even in the darkest places there is always a light. Hold onto that light with all your heart! It's that light, that hope, that pulls you through. Never forget hope. Faith, Hope & Love. Hope often gets forgotten between something has strong as faith and as fulfilling as love, but hope is with us when we are going through the hardest of times, when faith and love have abandoned us, hope is there leading the way back. Hope. I will never forget hope.

The skytrain doesn't work?

What kind of adventure such as public transit at 6:54am, I was actually early on my way to work this morning. Too bad no one will actually know. Why you ask? Well of course the skytrain couldn't possibly be working at 6:54 on a Wednesday morning. As I watched skytrain after skytrain pass by on it's way to Vancouver, there is no Skytrain coming to bring me to Surrey. When the announcer came on to announce a skytrain was stuck at the stop before mine understanding sunk in, it must be the eastbound train. This is when I realized I forgot my cell phone. Two things occured to me then, first I'm no longer early for work and second I have no way of letting them know that. Shit.

Did I mention it's raining and I forgot my umbrella? So now I'm wet and late, what a way to start off my first shift. This isn't the end either, as the platform slowly accumulates more and more people the skytrain finally arrives, it's 7:10am. I'm so late... I'm lucky enough to rush an empty seat and sit, my feet are numb from by rubber boots (they cut off the circulation when I'm immobile) aww sweet skytrain heat.

As I finally reach the last stop we pull in on the embarkment side... Bad idea... They must have not let anyone up to the platform (you can imagine the amount of people during rush hour on a weekday morning), as I tried to disembark my nightmare I get rushed by about 30 people trying to fit through the doors at the same time. Yeah, all those signs that tell you to let people off before you rush the entrance, nobody reads those... After elbowing a lot of people (it felt good) I finally smell fresh air! I try and make my way to the stairs leading down but my only way of explaining this is downtown Tokyo on a Saturday. Maneuvering is not pleasant and it's not easy. More elbowing more cursing and then I'm free. I'm late, but free! Wish I had my phone, a picture would have been nice to add to this blog.

Adios from my iPhone :) & Happy blogging!

Eclipse

Werewolves are the sworn enemy of Vampires? This complicates things when your best friend is a werewolf and your boyfriend is a vampire. It also complicates things when your best friend loves you and is under the illusion that you also love him. And when your vampire family thinks werewolves are extremely dangerous to be around (can they hear themselves?) it drives you to extreme measures to visit said best friend. By the way, grounded for the rest of my life and Edward has visiting hours. Charlie also spends most of his time either ignoring Edward or sending glares from across the room. Oh and did I mention the crazed vampire girlfriend bent on revenge who has been hunting me since last year?

This is how Eclipse starts. It is the most frustrating and comical book of the series. It holds the love hate relationship status with me. You love it because it makes you laugh but at the same time it frustrates you so much you want to fling it across the room every other chapter. Or at least reach into the book and strangle certain characters.  It rotates between Edward and Jacob, and I don’t envy Bella. Edward is back. There are rules now, but he’s back and he says he’s never going away. This makes me very happy. But Edward says Bella can’t visit Jacob. Stupid Edward. Jacob is in pain, he needs Bella. Sometimes I felt bad for Edward but mostly I felt bad for Jacob, because like Bella I know it’s always Edward and it will always BE Edward. No matter how much Bella loves Jacob or how much it hurts, Bella can’t live without Edward. But the thing that makes this whole complicated mess even more complicated is that Edward left and Jacob is the result. Bella can’t live without Jacob either.

I think I would describe Edward like air and Jacob like food. Because Bella can go a few days or a week without Jacob, but she can barely go a few hours without Edward. It’s ever the conundrum, because you can’t survive without either but in her case, neither is compatible. Meanwhile crazy vampire girlfriend bent on revenge, Victoria, has dropped off the map. No one seems very suspicious but I am. She hardly seems like the type of person to just give up. And to make matters even worse there is some crazy serial killer murdering people in Seattle. If I was in the story, I probably wouldn’t think anything of it, but I’m the reader and I have insight. I’m suspicious. Turns out I’m right. And of all people to realise it, it’s Bella. Why would you build a giant army of newborn vampires to kill a human? That’s easy, because that human is guarded by 7 other vampires. And don’t forget the werewolves. If you don’t give them a piece of the action they’ll whine.

This ending was difficult. It wasn’t happy like the other ones. It’s never happy when you know your decision is going to break someone’s heart. And even though it tears that hole in your chest wide open, the decision has to be made. Edward or Jacob? 

New Moon

They survived the summer and the gossip which surrounds Bella and Edward seems to have dissipated a bit. Which would seem fine except one thing, she is officially one year older than Edward… in human years at least. Why is this such a big deal? Well when you’re as prone to death as Bella is, it’s a little hard not to be worried (we are all worried). This is where we hit the proverbial wall. You see when you get a paper cut in a room full of Vampires chaos is sure to ensue. Edward doesn’t explain his distance, but Bella is definitely worried. And then it happens. I can’t be exactly sure how I lost a piece of myself when Edward left, but I spent a long time being severely depressed after that. I spent most of this book being depressed. If you think the next months of Bella’s life will be chronicled, as I did, you are mistaken. The next four months are blank pages. The only thing that kept me going was that Edward might come back. The only thing that kept Bella going was Forks itself; was the empty table where the Cullen’s used to sit and the faint hope that Edward was real. Because when you’re in love with a Vampire, how can you be sure he really exists if you leave the only place with tangible proof.

Enter Jacob. My depression subsides slightly. The once secondary character of Jacob has now become a very prominent and important character. When Bella is with Jacob she feels like maybe the holes in her heart are a bit more patched up. So do I. She doesn’t need to clutch her chest and will the pain away anymore. Bella also finds something; when she is in danger she hears voices… well, one voice… Edward’s voice. I don’t know if you could call this an addiction, but Bella becomes very into the extreme sports. I wholeheartedly agree. I need his voice too. And Jacob being the young and impressionable teenager is all for hiding motorcycles. Bella becomes a little happy, but is still searching for her tangible proof that Edward existed with her; that a piece of him remains in this place. This is where Jacob leaves. And my depression comes back with a vengeance. When Bella confronts Jacob everything from everything comes down, I sobbed. I read that Bella sobbed and I sobbed with her. I called my mom who told me that I needed to keep reading, so I trekked on, now more depressed than ever.

This is when Bella finds the meadow. It’s tragic. It’s not spring, there are no flowers it’s just overgrown and dying. This is where she learns of Victoria’s plan. And now there is no one. No Edward, no Jacob, for one who is so prone to death in this desolate land that is Forks, there is now no one to turn to except fear. Fear that one night Victoria will come through that window and Bella will die. I keep hoping Edward will come back, but he doesn’t.

This book is extremely overshadowed by the tale of Romeo and Juliet. Of course Bella is Juliet, Edward would be Romeo and she thinks of Jacob as Paris. It all comes together when Bella decides she needs to hear “his” voice again, and what better way than to jump off a cliff. Perfectly legal, the kids do it all the time, it’s called Cliff Diving. I call it psycho, but if I was as desperate as she was I probably wouldn’t argue. It works. She almost die’s, it’s comforting; Jacob saves her life.

Enter Alice. Bella who is supposed to be dead is somehow alive, however Edward has been told she is dead, and no one bets against Alice. This is why I say Romeo and Juliet. But this can’t be how the story ends. What a terrible love story, very cliché. Now it is a race against time? I’m thinking how the hell can they make it all the way to Italy before Edward dies? Of course this is a book, and whatever the writer wills, happens. It all makes sense at least. This is where I really fell in love with Alice, and we both fell in love with the Porsche 911 Turbo, yellow. *Dreamy eyes* … *cough* … I remember my heart beating like this, in suspense, knowing that he can’t die but at the same time having no idea how it all will end. I think I envisioned her running through the square in slow motion. How could it not all be happening in slow motion? The hands moving towards noon, the sun shining brighter than ever before, Bella pushing through the biggest crowd of people probably in the history of great suspense. Why is everything so loud? The clock starts to chime, DING… DING… drowning out her cries, until finally she crashes into him; is it over? Are they dead? Are they alive? Did it work? And then you breathe that sigh of relief. As they depart Italy it doesn’t matter what happens because Edward is there.