Not knowing

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced this feeling... Not knowing. It's the worst feeling imaginable. The more time passes the worst the feeling gets. I don't know if hoping is in order or mourning, should I cry? Should I worry? Is no news really good news? 

It's been 7 days. This doesn't seem like a very long time, only one week. But when you don't know if someone is dead or alive it feels like an eternity. Are they safe in a shelter? Are they warm in a house, with a bed and family taking care of them? Are they buried under piles of ruble or have they been swept out to sea? Forever one of the missing, forever not knowing. What was her last thought? Was she alone? 

So many thoughts, too many possibilities. So much I can't do, I haven't decided what's worse, not knowing or feeling so helpless, unable to do anything. It doesn't matter that we haven't talked in years anymore, and telling myself I should have been a better penpal doesn't help, or telling myself I should have written her when I found the envelope with her address instead of throwing it out. What was I thinking?! Such valuable information!! 

I Wish I could just get on a plane with a name and a picture but I know that probably isn't logical. So now I wait. Not knowing. And always hoping. Suppressing the need to worry and the want to cry.  Not knowing. This, is definitely, the worst feeling imaginable.