The Average Woman

I need someone to help me design a clothing line, and we will call it "Clothing for the average woman" which will include clothes for hourglass women , where a size 12/14 is average size, not +size, and where women can shop and feel good about purchasing clothes that fit them properly, I'm sick of going to the store and thinking "My hips don't fit in these pants" and thinking there's something wrong with ME, there is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with society who thinks curvy women are fat women, I want to be able to buy a skirt that fits me in the hips AND the waist, I shouldn't have to choose! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself because my hips don't fit in a medium, and am forced to purchase the large size that's too big for my waist and falls down all the time just because the A-line wasn't BIG enough. You think I sat down with God and helped him design me? No, I did not! If my body is comfortable in a size 9 I shouldn't have to feel bad about it! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself when I look in the mirror and think I'm fat, and that I should be a size 7 instead. My body doesn't work like that, my body looks anorexic like that, this is just the way I am. Being a size 9 doesn't mean I'm unhealthy, it doesn't mean I don't exercise. Just because I don't spend 3hrs a day running on a treadmill or doing weights doesn't mean I don't care about myself. I might eat unhealthy food sometimes, but it tastes good and I think I deserve a treat sometimes. That doesn't mean I eat unhealthy food all the time and don't take care of myself.

I hate the label society has put on me. A should have smaller hips, I should have a tiny waist, but still maintain an hourglass figure, I should have big boobs but you don't make shirts for women with big boobs and small waists, all those button up shirts don't fit because they are meant for a 30 waist and B cup, well you know what? I'm a 30 Waist and a C Cup, so you can go shove your button up fancy shirts. When I go to the store and grab a large and its tight this tells me a large woman should be a size 7 and that the average size (medium) should be a size 5. Did you not hear me? I'm a size 9. The only time I was graced with being a size 7 was when I stopped eating! STOPPED EATING!! When I started eating again you know what I turned into? A size 9. I've kept my same eating habits for the past 8 months, I tried on my wedding dress 8months ago and you know what? 8months later it fit exactly the same as it did the first time I tried it on. You know what this tells me? My body is comfortable here. I don't lose weight, I dont gain weight I just stay here. I'm sick and tired of thinking I'm fat. I'm sick and tired of being worried every time I visit my grandmother if she's going to comment on my weight. I'm sick of her pointing at my belly and saying "You've gained weight" You know what that gives me? A complex. So every day when I get changed and I look in the mirror I see a fat stomach, and I see fat legs and I see an ugly person. But the truth is I'm none of those things.

And I'm sick and tired of hearing about woman who think they are those things. I have an aunt, she's really tiny but is obsessed with being skinnier and skinnier. And it makes me really sad to think she feels that way because she is a BEAUTIFUL woman!! And I know she works her ass off to stay skinny, but she shouldn't have to feel like that. She shouldn't have to think "10 more pounds and then I'll be perfect" And sure people exercise because they love to exercise and that's perfectly fine, but nobody should feel bad about gaining 10lbs. Its just 10lbs, seriously, no body notices, except you and when I gain 10lbs I notice. And when I gain 30lbs I notice, but you know what? Nobody else noticed. My co-workers didn't notice, my parents didn't notice, my fiancee didn't notice... only I noticed, because only I stood on that scale hating myself. And I wish I could change that. I wish I could make clothes to fit the average woman. I wish I could make a store that had affordable clothing, where I could buy a button up shirt that fit me in the bust and the waist, where I could purchase a skirt that fit me in the hips AND the waist, where women could come and buy jeans that didn't cut off the circulation in their legs. There are enough stores out there for the size 4's and 6's, all 100 of them. We need a store for all the thousands of women who are the size 9's and 12's and 14's and who are just as beautiful!! Without being labeled PLUS size. We are not PLUS size, we are NORMAL size. When all the size 11's are gone and all that's left are the size 2's, this is telling me something important, this is telling me most woman are this size. This is making me confused why there aren't stores for people this size. Why can't there be a store that starts at a size 7 and ends at a size 18? Why does the store have to end at a size 11 and then the PLUS store starts at a 14, what about all those 12 and 13's?! Where do they live? In the magical land of "I'm never going shopping because nothing ever fits properly". If I ever make a clothing store its going to start at a size 7 and go to a size 18. And my slogan will be "Clothes for the average woman". And my mission in life will be to make every woman feel beautiful in her skin.

I am beautiful, no matter what they say!! I am beautiful and normal and NOT FAT! I am not fat! I am not fat. I am not fat.

Armageddon in London

My mom sent me a link today about the riots in London with a little blurb from my dad about the global financial crisis and how its really starting to affect the bigger western nations. We've known for many years about the political unrest in the middle east, in places like Libya, Yemen, Syria, Egypt, Tunisia; the wars in Iraq and Afganistan. The big shocker when Greece declared "bankruptcy" and the riots it caused. But not its hit London. Wow. London, city of the royals. Looking through those pictures was like looking at scenes from WWII, it was so sad. Reading about a family business that had been in the same building for 5 generations, since the 1860's! 150 years of hard work and sweat completely destroyed. And I asked myself why? This is apparently a global financial crisis and they just caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage. If you were so upset about your pension being cut before where do you think they're getting the money to pay for this? I say why? But what else is there? You work 30, 40, 50 years and you pay all these taxes and what do you get? You get nothing. My parents paid CPP their whole life but now they tell us, oh by the time you retire there won't be any CPP because there's no money left. But nothing good can come from destroying a city. There has to be other solutions.

The problem is people get so angry and they become blinded by it and their instinct is to react with violence when the opposite should be happening. But with all the corrupt governments you can't trust them to do anything right; they are just looking out for themselves. So maybe this is needed to open the eyes of those in political power but its still sad that it has to be done this way. In a perfect world people would have a voice and they would be able to talk freely with their leaders to combat the economic crisis. Instead they just sit in their high towers on their mountain of money. Coming from a common middle class worker it is really unfortunate that when I look at our political leaders I feel disgust and betrayal. And people get so angry when there are budget cuts and job losses and government subsidized programs shut down and what can you do? Instead of the government sitting down and saying "Look, here's this, this and this, we need to come up with possible solutions etc etc" and have some kind of community wide inclusion of people, they just start cutting healthcare, childcare, senior's benefits and it makes them look like criminals because people think "Well those ugly bastards keep taking all our money in taxes and then they go and cut this and cut that and leave us with nothing while they live in their million dollar mansions"

Just because people have jobs doesn't mean they are living properly. With minimum wage JUST recently rising to $9.25/hr that's still impossible to live off of. No one can keep a roof over their head, feed their 2 children, have electricity, gas. Having a vehicle, being able to afford car insurance, and gas, these have all become luxury's in my day.  With the way inflation is its hard for anyone to keep their head above water. Don't be looking at the unemployment rates, look at how many people are living below the poverty level!! You always see those tv shows about people who are sick and dying in Africa but what about in our own country?! We can't even sustain ourselves, how can we even think about helping a whole other continent? I have friends who can't find work, I have friends who are working but barely making it, who can't afford food all the time, who have children and are struggling to get by. We need to wake up as a nation, but the government also needs to take a long look in the mirror and think what they can do to make it better. Rioting and violence isn't the solution, but whether people can figure that out I dont know. It would take a lot. Its easy for the rich and wealthy, but all of us middle class workers are left with the disaster. My generation, Adam's generation we are stuck picking up the mess. We call this nation a democracy, but what is that anymore? Just because I get to tick a box on a ballot and say I want "so and so" in office? That's not democracy... It just gives me the illusion of democracy. We have no say in how our country is run. We put it in the hands of other people and hope that they make good decisions, but how are we even supposed to react when time and time again those people we put in to run our country lie to us, go behind our back on us. Jesus said "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy" and honestly what else do we see from our government? How does that give our generation any hope?  Its all just really sad. 


Why does this generation have no respect for authority? Well its not like they've done a lot to deserve any respect from me. Why would I respect someone who lies to me? You teach your kids morals, how to be honest, and sincere, generous and show kindness to people. Please tell me the last time someone in power showed any of that? I know this post is a bit all over the place but the riots in London hits close to home. With the insurmountable debt in the USA, its bound to hit here sooner rather than later. There aren't many people left who remember the great depression, but if things don't change our children will be telling stories of their great depression.

Marriage

Its been a very long time since I have written a post and I would attribute this to my wedding. I must say, I have never seen a calendar's days pass so quickly as I have since my engagement. With August 1st fast approaching I have come to realise it will soon be exactly 2 months before the wedding. 2 months. that's 60 days, 1440 hours and I have to ask where did all that time go? When I thought a year ago that I had so much time, no need to worry and now that time is gone and I'm left standing like a deer in the headlights with too many things in my brain wondering if it'll all turn out exactly as I pictured when I was a child. I have one more very important thing to do and then I'm sure that, even if I forget something, we will at least be able to get married. That is the marriage license. Its kind of weird to think that you need to go to a notary/lawyer so they can write up a paper that says "Yes, you are allowed to get married." Which I guess is supposed to mean that somewhere along in my life I haven't already married someone else in Canada, but it still leaves the question, why do I need to get permission to be married? I'm not 12, I'm an adult, half the time people they give marriage licenses too shouldn't have been given them, so why even waste all that paper.

Anyways, I probably should have documented this journey a bit better, but my stress and anxiety levels have peaked a bit and I can't say its something I really want to relive. However the closer it gets to the day I still can't deny this childish excitement I feel. And with every passing day I get more excited. I can't explain it, since all a ceremony means is that its written on paper, but there's something in that act. Something about standing in front of a bunch of people and saying "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you because I love you and nothing can make that ever go away". Its like announcing your love to the world without having to shout it from every rooftop. Love is a beautiful thing. I think Love can be the strongest emotion in humanity. From it is birthed the greatest joy, and the most passionate jealousy. Its about knowing you belong to someone and they belong to you and you belong to each other, and there will always be someone in your life who is there for you.

Marriage to me isn't something that you just do, its something that just happens. Whether its in front of a judge, in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of god, its something thats birthed in your heart that says "I want the world to know we're together forever". This doesn't mean it will be an easy journey, this doesn't mean you'll never have an argument, but it stands as a reminder. It says, "there was a time I loved you so much I was willing to stand in front of a crowd of people to say that I wanted to spent eternity with you". And that's what I will do on October 1, 2011, I will stand in front of a large crowd and say "I will love you to the ends of the earth, wherever my heart leads me, wherever my path happens to go, I will still love you until death, and if there happens to be something after death, I can only hope I will meet you on the other side because my life no matter where it takes me, would just be incomplete without you".

I love you Matius <3

A Grain of Sand

“To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.”

-William Blake

Quite an amazing thing, a grain of sand; how many ages has it been buffeted by the wind and how many oceans has it seen? How many feet have walked on it and how many rivers have swept it away? I first heard this excerpt from William Blake’s Auguries of Innocence in a movie and at the time I didn’t really understand it. But if you really think about the journey of a grain of sand, you can truly see eternity. Where did that grain come from? An eternity ago, was it a great mountain, a rock, a wonder of the world? The Pyramid of Giza, built over 4500 years ago still stands in all its glory, how then can you fathom how long that grain of sand has been traveling? So you see, to be captivated by this grain of sand is perfectly understandable. How can it not fascinate the most intellectual minds?

However I must caution, to be taken in by the sands can destroy what is held most dear. For if you spend all your time studying that grain of sand and forget about the ocean at your feet, you forget beauty itself; for it is the ocean that has formed that grain of sand and it’s the ocean that’s brought it for you to study. The ocean, in all its formless beauty capable of the most devastating destruction and yet so peaceful. To hear the waves lapping on the shore and to see the sun as it sparkles on its surface, the glare hurts your eyes but you don’t mind, since it’s the sun that gives you its warmth. It warms your insides, it gives you life and love; it protects you. And so the two work in tandem, they help guide you when you are lost and they pick you up when you have fallen down.

Do not forget what is the most important, which is love. For without love all hope is lost and faith is meaningless. To turn your back on love is to give up everything that gives this life meaning. Why would you spend your whole life looking for purpose in a grain of sand, when all you need to do is look up and you see all this time the ocean has been right there, waiting for you to realise what is truly important. And she is still waiting for you to see that all this time all you had to do was look at her and find your purpose there, for she does not ask for anything in return but that you love her and that you love her unconditionally, with no exceptions and no secret clauses. But remember, because this is unquestionably important, if you keep searching in that grain of sand, the tide will soon take the ocean away and then there will be nothing, nothing but a great expanse of sand and no ocean.

“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars---points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything.”

This quote might seem corny but I think it holds a great truth. Just like our atmosphere will shatter a shooting star, so the moon will take away the ocean with the tide, and how long will it take and how far are you willing to walk to get it back? Because once they are gone, there really is no reason for anything. All you are left with is a blind shadow of how it used to be and no hope of ever getting it back.

30 Days of Video Games

Well, I noticed I've skipped all of April. Guess I was so busy ignoring the world to finally catch up on some  selfish gamers dream I forgot about the rest of the world. Although I did accomplish the task, with the help of my most AMAZING friends, to make 89 wedding invitations. I also went to Potters and bought some supplies so I can grow stuff on my balcony this summer and I have managed to keep my herbs alive for 3 weeks now (that's a big accomplishment for me).

So the month of April was dedicated to a daily facebook post entitled "30 days of video games". Every day asked a different question, some of them quite difficult to answer and some of which I just had no answer. But it also brought back the age old desire because I haven't gotten to play any video games since the new year. I guess you could call this a belated new years resolution, but I decided to sort through all my games. I separated all the ones I haven't finished in one pile and all the ones I haven't played in another and the rest got filed back in the tv cupboard. And speaking of unfinished games, I'm currently in the market for someone who can beat Fatal Frame, since there was 3 of us playing and we are stuck, how can one beat a game where you die in 3 shots (we are one hit kill right now) and they don't give you any healing items?!?! In any case, moving on... New years resolution, play and finish all the games in those two piles. After I sorted through them, I locked myself in. I spent 3 straight days playing video games. Even my mom ended up asking me where I had gone for 3 days. It was pretty great though, I ended up beating a couple games that I hadn't had a chance to play in a long time.

30 days of video games asked me, what my first game was, what game I thought had the best art style, who my favorite character was, a game that disappointed me, lots of hard questions and that had me going through my game collection, thinking back to games I hadn't seen since the dawn of time; questions that really made me think and had me searching, google, youtube, anywhere and everywhere to jog my memory from all the games I used to know and still have today. But ultimately what it showed me is how much I love video games. My brother and I weren't always into video games. My mom is the one that got us into them. I remember faintly playing pac man on the commodore 64, but the first game I really remember is Alone in the Dark (1992). I remember my mom playing it with us, we would play a bit in the morning before school and we would play for a bit after school. I remember Lemmings, Nikolai's Train, and Galaxy Ball. I remember cheating so we could beat Prince of Persia 2 and I remember the first time Adam made it to the last level of Prince of Persia 1 with 30 seconds left, and I remember when he FINALLY beat Jafar! I remember when we got the Sega Genesis from Grandma for Christmas, and I remember playing Sonic ALL the time! I remember when we got Spider-man for easter, I remember where we found some of the clues, and how it felt when we opened the chest (Just like Link) and there it was, in all its glory! A VIDEO GAME for Easter!! I remember staying up all night playing Lemmings on the SNES and Ren and Stimpy on the Sega with my best friend.

I remember buying our first console, the N64! And we only had enough money for one game so we got a 2 player game. Mario Kart 64. It was the only game we had for A VERY LONG TIME!
My whole childhood was video games. And I wonder when exactly the transition happened. When did I go from video game nut, to video games are for boys? Like 13 year old me was too cool for video games, or I was so wrapped up in trying to fit in and having friends for the first time I kind of forgot about playing video games. Because I remember when we bought the Playstation for my brother for his birthday and I remember when he got Final Fantasy VIII & IX for Christmas, and I made fun of them. How hypocritical of me. Me who spent my whole childhood surrounded by everything gaming, who played video games before school, after school, in the middle of the night, all night. I remember when I picked up that game, FFVIII a year later and thought "this looks kinda cool". I remember getting stuck A LOT. 16 year old me had become a video game noob, how disgraceful. Adam would get so mad at me because I would get stuck a lot and I would ask him for help. I remember getting upset a lot, because I didn't want to "cheat" (and I wasn't very familiar with Game Faqs at the time) so asking my brother was the easiest solution, obviously and he always begrudgingly helped or yelled at me to figure it out myself.

This re-started my gaming journey. I played FFIX (and also got stuck a lot). I remember borrowing my brothers Playstation (which was easier after he got his Playstation 2). When I met my first boyfriend he bought me FFVII, he went on vacation for a week, I set myself up in my room and played it. I lived on ice tea and would eat dinner when my mom called, but from about 11am-5am I was in my room playing, and then I would sleep and start over. I did this for 4 days. That was my first real "gamer" moment. It expanded from there and I had a nice little collection. When I moved out I had to part with some of it (my brother and I had a lot of shared stuff), but the great thing about my husband is that when we moved in together we completed each other's collection. Where I lost the N64, he had one, and where he didn't have the PS2, I had one, etc. And now our gaming collection takes up half our tv stand, and our consoles take up the other half :) Life is good! So thank you 30 days of video games for reminding me where I came from and where I'm going.

Here's to my continued journey on this gaming path! Cheers! 

The Death of a Flower

Have you ever witnessed the death of a flower? It doesn't happen instantly; some people don't even notice, some people don't care, and some people have the fortune of never seeing it. I think its a hard feeling to describe. How do you put to words the beauty of a single flower? The way she's birthed, from beneath the earth she rises. With tender love and care she grows, until one day when the sun is beaming down, she blooms. Colours you've never seen before sparkle and shine in the sun and smile in the rain as it refreshes the earth around her. When the cool breeze of summer whisks her this way and that, like she's dancing to the song of mother earth, you can't help but be enraptured by her. The way she enjoys this new life, beautiful doesn't begin to express the passion one single flower brings to this world.

But then the sun starts coming around more and more infrequently; and the sprinkle of the rain turns into a downpour. The musical of the wind turns cold and bitter and that flower starts to feel burned. "What happened to us?" she calls to the sun as the storm clouds roll in. But the sun keeps its silence and turns its back on the flower. And as she drowns in the pool of water at her feet, she cries. As the days grow shorter and the nights colder I think nothing can possibly save her from this dark winter. And so I take a pot and I pick her up out of that frozen earth. I bring her inside where its warm, I try and shine a bright light on her and give her all the love I can muster, but my water is not the soft pitter patter of the rain, and my bright light is only a shadow of the sun.

When I gaze upon her beautiful colours now, her head hangs just a little bit lower. She no longer gazes up at the sun like she used to. Too hurt and scarred by the cold winter months, but no one hears her weep in that dark place. Forsaken by her sun she is left with a shadow of how it used to be. This constant reminder of what summer felt like, but can never be and she feels stifled. Every day when I gaze upon the flower that used to thrive and smile and laugh and be, I am reminded of how cruel this world can be. And so I watch her, as she withers, as her soul cries. As she longs for the freedom that was stolen from her, I watch her die, wondering if Spring will ever come back to save her.

But no one seems to notice. No one sees her weep in that dark place. Her soul calling out. No one see's her dying. Not like I do. And I can't save her. How useless. I can't even save one flower. And so I continue to shine that shadow and I continue to share that water, and I continue to watch her wither; waiting for Spring to come, and hoping when it does, its not too late.

Not knowing

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced this feeling... Not knowing. It's the worst feeling imaginable. The more time passes the worst the feeling gets. I don't know if hoping is in order or mourning, should I cry? Should I worry? Is no news really good news? 

It's been 7 days. This doesn't seem like a very long time, only one week. But when you don't know if someone is dead or alive it feels like an eternity. Are they safe in a shelter? Are they warm in a house, with a bed and family taking care of them? Are they buried under piles of ruble or have they been swept out to sea? Forever one of the missing, forever not knowing. What was her last thought? Was she alone? 

So many thoughts, too many possibilities. So much I can't do, I haven't decided what's worse, not knowing or feeling so helpless, unable to do anything. It doesn't matter that we haven't talked in years anymore, and telling myself I should have been a better penpal doesn't help, or telling myself I should have written her when I found the envelope with her address instead of throwing it out. What was I thinking?! Such valuable information!! 

I Wish I could just get on a plane with a name and a picture but I know that probably isn't logical. So now I wait. Not knowing. And always hoping. Suppressing the need to worry and the want to cry.  Not knowing. This, is definitely, the worst feeling imaginable. 

Hope

Humans are funny creatures, we are creatures of habit, we are creatures that remember, we forgive, we love, we hate, we feel. We hope. I always found hope to be the most dangerous feeling of all, for in hope lies the greatest sadness and disappointment or the strongest love and happiness. We hope for better things, a better life, a stronger love, a healed heart. In the weakness of others I hope to be stronger. In the happiness of others I hope not to be jealous.

I will not be weak! I don't know how many times I've told myself this over the years. I will be strong, I'm not like the others. I will not give up. I will not give up hope. That is a very dark place. One I will not visit again, for without hope there is nothing. There is a black hole. We live to hope. That people are good, that things will get better, that love will find us, that we aren't alone. What is weakness, but losing the hope that gives us our dreams, that gives us the will to survive. Hope lives in all of us.

I remember the dark, so much so that I clutch at my chest and will it all away. All of it, the sun scoffing at me with it's warm light, the stars shining like beacons, the moon and her everlasting beauty. And in that darkness I see a face. That smiling face, the one who birthed me and gave me life and I realize how selfish I am. My beacon of light, always there to remind me. 

There was a time in my life I thought the pain would never go away. There was a time when I was alone, no matter how many people, how many friends, I was always alone. And then I met a man, he was kind and gentle and although he had many darknesses and struggles I found I loved this man. I loved his crooked smile and the way he smelled, I loved the toughness and fragility of his heart. But even though I had a great love for him I was unable to save him. But that's not the point of this story, is it? I was not meant to save him, he was meant to save me. My lesson was that I could still love. Although I had lost all hope, although my heart had become hard and calloused, I could still love.

I became stronger. I told myself that no matter the hurt and no matter the pain I would never go to that dark place again. I would never lose that childish hope. The one that believes in fairytales and true love and happy endings. I learned I can only save myself. I can only keep the hope in me and let it shine on others. If I can do the same that one did for me that's all I can hope for. I will never be able to repay the gift that was given to me. My only hope is that I can be a light to someone else. Hope. For the future, for the good things to come, for new adventures, for excitement. I think Hope was the greatest. Love will wait until we find it, but it's the anticipation that Hope brings that we look forward to it when it does find us. Love is hard to find. It's hope that keeps us going. 

So my message to you is always hope. Even in the darkest places there is always a light. Hold onto that light with all your heart! It's that light, that hope, that pulls you through. Never forget hope. Faith, Hope & Love. Hope often gets forgotten between something has strong as faith and as fulfilling as love, but hope is with us when we are going through the hardest of times, when faith and love have abandoned us, hope is there leading the way back. Hope. I will never forget hope.

The skytrain doesn't work?

What kind of adventure such as public transit at 6:54am, I was actually early on my way to work this morning. Too bad no one will actually know. Why you ask? Well of course the skytrain couldn't possibly be working at 6:54 on a Wednesday morning. As I watched skytrain after skytrain pass by on it's way to Vancouver, there is no Skytrain coming to bring me to Surrey. When the announcer came on to announce a skytrain was stuck at the stop before mine understanding sunk in, it must be the eastbound train. This is when I realized I forgot my cell phone. Two things occured to me then, first I'm no longer early for work and second I have no way of letting them know that. Shit.

Did I mention it's raining and I forgot my umbrella? So now I'm wet and late, what a way to start off my first shift. This isn't the end either, as the platform slowly accumulates more and more people the skytrain finally arrives, it's 7:10am. I'm so late... I'm lucky enough to rush an empty seat and sit, my feet are numb from by rubber boots (they cut off the circulation when I'm immobile) aww sweet skytrain heat.

As I finally reach the last stop we pull in on the embarkment side... Bad idea... They must have not let anyone up to the platform (you can imagine the amount of people during rush hour on a weekday morning), as I tried to disembark my nightmare I get rushed by about 30 people trying to fit through the doors at the same time. Yeah, all those signs that tell you to let people off before you rush the entrance, nobody reads those... After elbowing a lot of people (it felt good) I finally smell fresh air! I try and make my way to the stairs leading down but my only way of explaining this is downtown Tokyo on a Saturday. Maneuvering is not pleasant and it's not easy. More elbowing more cursing and then I'm free. I'm late, but free! Wish I had my phone, a picture would have been nice to add to this blog.

Adios from my iPhone :) & Happy blogging!

Eclipse

Werewolves are the sworn enemy of Vampires? This complicates things when your best friend is a werewolf and your boyfriend is a vampire. It also complicates things when your best friend loves you and is under the illusion that you also love him. And when your vampire family thinks werewolves are extremely dangerous to be around (can they hear themselves?) it drives you to extreme measures to visit said best friend. By the way, grounded for the rest of my life and Edward has visiting hours. Charlie also spends most of his time either ignoring Edward or sending glares from across the room. Oh and did I mention the crazed vampire girlfriend bent on revenge who has been hunting me since last year?

This is how Eclipse starts. It is the most frustrating and comical book of the series. It holds the love hate relationship status with me. You love it because it makes you laugh but at the same time it frustrates you so much you want to fling it across the room every other chapter. Or at least reach into the book and strangle certain characters.  It rotates between Edward and Jacob, and I don’t envy Bella. Edward is back. There are rules now, but he’s back and he says he’s never going away. This makes me very happy. But Edward says Bella can’t visit Jacob. Stupid Edward. Jacob is in pain, he needs Bella. Sometimes I felt bad for Edward but mostly I felt bad for Jacob, because like Bella I know it’s always Edward and it will always BE Edward. No matter how much Bella loves Jacob or how much it hurts, Bella can’t live without Edward. But the thing that makes this whole complicated mess even more complicated is that Edward left and Jacob is the result. Bella can’t live without Jacob either.

I think I would describe Edward like air and Jacob like food. Because Bella can go a few days or a week without Jacob, but she can barely go a few hours without Edward. It’s ever the conundrum, because you can’t survive without either but in her case, neither is compatible. Meanwhile crazy vampire girlfriend bent on revenge, Victoria, has dropped off the map. No one seems very suspicious but I am. She hardly seems like the type of person to just give up. And to make matters even worse there is some crazy serial killer murdering people in Seattle. If I was in the story, I probably wouldn’t think anything of it, but I’m the reader and I have insight. I’m suspicious. Turns out I’m right. And of all people to realise it, it’s Bella. Why would you build a giant army of newborn vampires to kill a human? That’s easy, because that human is guarded by 7 other vampires. And don’t forget the werewolves. If you don’t give them a piece of the action they’ll whine.

This ending was difficult. It wasn’t happy like the other ones. It’s never happy when you know your decision is going to break someone’s heart. And even though it tears that hole in your chest wide open, the decision has to be made. Edward or Jacob? 

New Moon

They survived the summer and the gossip which surrounds Bella and Edward seems to have dissipated a bit. Which would seem fine except one thing, she is officially one year older than Edward… in human years at least. Why is this such a big deal? Well when you’re as prone to death as Bella is, it’s a little hard not to be worried (we are all worried). This is where we hit the proverbial wall. You see when you get a paper cut in a room full of Vampires chaos is sure to ensue. Edward doesn’t explain his distance, but Bella is definitely worried. And then it happens. I can’t be exactly sure how I lost a piece of myself when Edward left, but I spent a long time being severely depressed after that. I spent most of this book being depressed. If you think the next months of Bella’s life will be chronicled, as I did, you are mistaken. The next four months are blank pages. The only thing that kept me going was that Edward might come back. The only thing that kept Bella going was Forks itself; was the empty table where the Cullen’s used to sit and the faint hope that Edward was real. Because when you’re in love with a Vampire, how can you be sure he really exists if you leave the only place with tangible proof.

Enter Jacob. My depression subsides slightly. The once secondary character of Jacob has now become a very prominent and important character. When Bella is with Jacob she feels like maybe the holes in her heart are a bit more patched up. So do I. She doesn’t need to clutch her chest and will the pain away anymore. Bella also finds something; when she is in danger she hears voices… well, one voice… Edward’s voice. I don’t know if you could call this an addiction, but Bella becomes very into the extreme sports. I wholeheartedly agree. I need his voice too. And Jacob being the young and impressionable teenager is all for hiding motorcycles. Bella becomes a little happy, but is still searching for her tangible proof that Edward existed with her; that a piece of him remains in this place. This is where Jacob leaves. And my depression comes back with a vengeance. When Bella confronts Jacob everything from everything comes down, I sobbed. I read that Bella sobbed and I sobbed with her. I called my mom who told me that I needed to keep reading, so I trekked on, now more depressed than ever.

This is when Bella finds the meadow. It’s tragic. It’s not spring, there are no flowers it’s just overgrown and dying. This is where she learns of Victoria’s plan. And now there is no one. No Edward, no Jacob, for one who is so prone to death in this desolate land that is Forks, there is now no one to turn to except fear. Fear that one night Victoria will come through that window and Bella will die. I keep hoping Edward will come back, but he doesn’t.

This book is extremely overshadowed by the tale of Romeo and Juliet. Of course Bella is Juliet, Edward would be Romeo and she thinks of Jacob as Paris. It all comes together when Bella decides she needs to hear “his” voice again, and what better way than to jump off a cliff. Perfectly legal, the kids do it all the time, it’s called Cliff Diving. I call it psycho, but if I was as desperate as she was I probably wouldn’t argue. It works. She almost die’s, it’s comforting; Jacob saves her life.

Enter Alice. Bella who is supposed to be dead is somehow alive, however Edward has been told she is dead, and no one bets against Alice. This is why I say Romeo and Juliet. But this can’t be how the story ends. What a terrible love story, very cliché. Now it is a race against time? I’m thinking how the hell can they make it all the way to Italy before Edward dies? Of course this is a book, and whatever the writer wills, happens. It all makes sense at least. This is where I really fell in love with Alice, and we both fell in love with the Porsche 911 Turbo, yellow. *Dreamy eyes* … *cough* … I remember my heart beating like this, in suspense, knowing that he can’t die but at the same time having no idea how it all will end. I think I envisioned her running through the square in slow motion. How could it not all be happening in slow motion? The hands moving towards noon, the sun shining brighter than ever before, Bella pushing through the biggest crowd of people probably in the history of great suspense. Why is everything so loud? The clock starts to chime, DING… DING… drowning out her cries, until finally she crashes into him; is it over? Are they dead? Are they alive? Did it work? And then you breathe that sigh of relief. As they depart Italy it doesn’t matter what happens because Edward is there.

Twilight

I don’t know how I should start this. I can’t say I have ever read a book that affected me like this one. This I find very strange; and it bothers me a little. It could be that I find Bella very relatable; she is so average she could be anyone. She’s clumsy, she doesn’t fit in; she has no definite opinion on life, love, she only knows one thing. Edward Cullen hates her. So many people complain about this book. They complain that the Vampire lore has been butchered; who is Stephenie Meyer to change how Vampires have been written to be for centuries? And all this time I think, “You’re missing the point of the book”. This book isn’t about Vampires, this book is about Bella and anything that is about Bella is naturally also about Edward. This is not a story about Vampires; this is a story about a love so strong that nothing, not even death could ever separate them. Instead of adding a complication like “I’m in love with my boyfriend’s best friend” she added the complication “I’m in love with a Vampire”. Which in my opinion makes it much more intriguing, to say the least. Who wouldn’t find a Vampire attractive? They have all the natural “born” skills on how to perfectly kill a human and hide the evidence. They are fast, they are strong, they don’t make a sound, they are incredibly beautiful and they are dead; they don’t exist.

But for some odd reason we find that Edward doesn’t hate Bella, he finds her irresistible. No other person has ever smelt so to speak, as delicious as her. She is also the only person whose mind he has never been able to read and for some strange reason finds all of her responses incredibly fascinating. Not like the other girls who are predictable, who think of boys and fashion and dances. Bella is different. So here we have the blossoming of something… although it’s a little hard to tell at this point. This is the most PG love story I have ever read. But saying that, I have also never read any other love story with as much passion, with as many intriguing complications or with as much careful consideration as this one. Because what vampire has ever had the self-control to love a human and what human has ever trusted a vampire enough to not kill them?

This book ends with the blossoming of a first true love. And who doesn’t want to remember what it felt like? When you first kissed, when you first held hands, what you saw in each other’s eyes. This is the making of some kind of twisted fairy tale, where a lion falls in love with a lamb. I had to keep reading.

Indroductions

Who am I? That's a good question. I have just turned 24 years old, I'm young, I have a career in healthcare, I am deeply in love, I am going to be married on October 1, 2011 to a man I hope to spend the rest of my life with. I dream of starting a family and owning a house with a yard and maybe having a pet (MAYBE).  My dreams are not complicated or difficult. I don't ask a lot from life except to love and be loved in return. To travel to an exotic land once in my life, to experience different culture and be inspired by life. I am always learning.

Apparently blogging has become very popular. Everyone I know seems to either follow a blog, are writing a blog or have just started a blog. Blogging isn't something I ever found interesting, nor do I expect people to really read mine. But when I look at the mounds of documents on my computer of thoughts, inspirations, writings, poems, songs, I think why not? Why not write it all out and share it with the world. And so here I go. I will write about events, books, movies, whatever I find inspiring, whatever makes me think, whatever affects me in some way as I travel through this life.

Pushing Cars

Pushing cars at 7am is not recommended, I’d say it’s similar to doing lots of push-ups, except your joints hurt underneath all of your muscles. However, three strangers coming together to help someone is a rare thing. As I was driving to work this morning, yes driving, the skytrain doesn’t run early enough on Sunday, I noticed two people pushing a car. Now I probably wouldn’t have stopped, except this car was at the end of my street in the exact spot I needed to get through to get to the main road. You can see my dilemma. At this point three things went through my mind. I could help them, drive around them, or turn right and go down a different side street to get to the main road. I must have sat there for a minute only, although it felt like much longer before I decided to put on my hazards and run up. 

As I approached I could tell this would be no easy task. Rear-wheel drive and her tires skidded on everything but pavement and pavement is hard to find in 3inches of snow. It looked like the other two had been there for awhile and they seemed very grateful for my added effort. I thought about calling BCAA but I had to go to work and they can take a long time to show up, so I started pushing.  My first assumption had been that the guy and girl were together and seeing her had parked their car on the side of the road and got out to help her. I was wrong. These people had never met before either. What a rare thing that 3 people should meet in the early hours all to help someone in need. We must have been there for 10min at least but after enough scraping away at the snow in front of her tires and enough pushing we finally managed to get enough pavement and traction to get her through the piles of snow and onto the main road.

As we went on our separate ways, me and the guy getting into our respective vehicles and the girl picking up her backpack and walking the rest of the way home I really got to thinking. If I hadn’t stopped, how long would they have been there pushing that car?  Cars are very heavy and one person pushing doesn’t seem very productive.  Would someone else have stopped? I had already seen two cars pass by up the street while I was driving up and they must have seen those two people pushing the car. When I had talked to the girl she said that the car was half a block down where my car was parked when she had gotten there.  They must have been there for awhile, and although the streets were fairly empty there must have been quite a few cars that just passed them by.

Maybe our world still has hope.  Maybe there is still enough good to keep us going. One girl couldn’t push the car up the hill, but in working together we got it done. Key in point, I have learned this lesson. When you are trying to push the proverbial wall, maybe it isn’t an actual wall.  Maybe it’s just a heavy car and if you got someone else to help you it would move, slowly, but move nonetheless.