Slept a long time last night, now I just need to decide which book I will read... decisions decisions... I have so much on my mind recently; so many questions without answers, so many things that scare me about my future that I don't even want to think about anything. I started this book reading thing as a way to accomplish a goal, and then I thought blogging about the experience would be a cool way to share with people about the books I read and what I thought of them and now its turned into something bigger. I thought blogging about the books would motivate me to blog more, but it really didn't, I just felt more pressure of all the blogging I was neglecting. I have to blog because I like doing it, so let's just blog my journey right now. My journey right now is a little frustrating and a lot scary. I don't know if you, who are reading this right now, has ever tried to apply to post-secondary school but it's a little bit complicated. I was so excited at first because I found this really awesome program at the university of Victoria (hereby mentioned as UVic) that got me super pumped about going back to school; then I started thinking. I know from past experience that thinking can be a very bad thing, but let me tell you, my brain will NOT turn off.
Should I try for early admission? Are my grades high enough? High School was 7 (going on 8) years ago. Can I even do this? How will I pay tuition? How can I afford rent in Victoria? OMG, I'll have to move. OMG I'll have to relinquish my position at the hospital. OMG, I wont have extended health, dental and vision care anymore. How can I go to school and work at the same time? What happens if I don't get in? Should I try and take part time courses until I can get into a full time program? Should we look into buying a place instead of renting? Then I get this knot in my stomach and go back to, can I even do this? I want out of my job, but am I willing to give it up? Can I give it up? I'm not just supporting me anymore, I'm married now. Will my husband be able to find work in Victoria? Will my husband make enough to support us? Should I apply to multiple schools when I really have my heart set on just one?
And on and on it goes in a giant swirl until I feel like my head is going to explode, and then I open my book... or one of my books, since I have about 4 on the go again. I don't do it on purpose, but I find sometimes if I can't concentrate I can trick my brain by switching through books every chapter because it keeps my brain busy circulating through the different stories. But should I finish one, or continue another? I love books! I love reading! I love writing! All things shoved aside, I feel good about this decision. The most important to me right now is how I feel. When I think of everything that has become uncertain in my life, one thing I don't feel is stressed out. Anxious, scared, excited, happy, I feel all those things, but for the first time in a really long time I don't feel stressed out about it. And that makes me feel positive about this direction.
Love and Peace,
A.
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