I might lose my job. Not because of anything I did, but because someone very vindictive wants to pick on us because she couldn't get what she wanted. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think part of me wants to cry. I love where I work, and I think I would rather quit my job than work anywhere else. Of course that's absurd, because I have a wedding debt and a mortgage to save up for, and I wonder if she even realizes the kind of hurt she would cause to us. People are selfish, and they seldom think about what their actions mean. In this case, it means that our lines will be posted and none of us will get them, they will most likely go to some random unit clerk from different hospital who doesn't know anything about Neurology. I've worked there for 5 years. I've built up my knowledge, slaved, researched, in my own time to become worthy of working on a specialised unit like that. They don't teach us after school, they don't send us to extra classes like the nurses, wherever we go to after, we need to find that knowledge ourselves, and that's what I've done. I've worked to become the best neurology unit clerk I can be. And now someone wants to take that away me? Why? Because they couldn't get what they wanted? So they decided to pick on us and say "Well if I can't have what I wanted, then you can't have what you wanted" because that is exactly what she's saying. Let me explain.
My other unit clerk and I applied to go full time. We filled out the paper work, we talked to the union, went through HR, spoke with the manager, did everything it said we needed to do. Then a few months later our manager came to us and said "Congrats, approved everything is good we are going ahead with the lines" So I think that's fantastic! And so we have comfortably been working our lines for 4 going on 5 months now. Let me also say, we were working only part time before and its illegal to have no full time unit clerk. Because of previous changed to our floor (becoming Neurology specialised and everything) our lines were separated and it ended up that we were only working part time, so we wanted to make full time so that it would be legal again. The girl who is causing us grief wanted to go to all part time lines, its illegal according to the union, because you have to have at least one full time line. She pushed and pushed for it, because she only wanted to work 1-2 days a week and didn't want to work weekends, so obviously she wanted her lines to get approved, but they didn't, because its illegal.
So now, the most likely scenario is our lines will be posted, the girl will still be stuck in her shitty rotation and me and the other unit clerk will have no job. So the only reason I can see, why she did this, is to be vindictive. I just don't understand why we have to suffer because she didn't get what she wanted. We did everything right!! We did exactly what everyone told us had to be done, and now because the union changed their minds I lose my job? Umm, hello, you told us it was ok the first time! Maybe its time I went back to school... Just wish I had more money saved, if I had known I would lose my job I wouldn't have been so keen to spend all that money. I still see a psychologist every month for my anxiety. I still have -8,100$ sitting in my bank account from the wedding. If this doesn't say "Ok, start freaking out" I don't know what does. My husband is going to school and has no job. Things I can do to be pro-active about this uncertain future.
Step 1. Don't actually freak out
Step 2. Don't emotional eat, Don't go shopping
Step 3. My husband is done in April, that's 2 months, I just need to keep this for 2 more months.
Step 4. Proactive saving. Save like crazy, no more spending, gotta get that emergency fund going!
Step 5. Post-pone honeymoon if need be, will wait and see. Might need the money.
Step 6. Hebrews 11:1
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Thursday, 18 August 2011
The Average Woman
I need someone to help me design a clothing line, and we will call it "Clothing for the average woman" which will include clothes for hourglass women , where a size 12/14 is average size, not +size, and where women can shop and feel good about purchasing clothes that fit them properly, I'm sick of going to the store and thinking "My hips don't fit in these pants" and thinking there's something wrong with ME, there is nothing wrong with me, there is something wrong with society who thinks curvy women are fat women, I want to be able to buy a skirt that fits me in the hips AND the waist, I shouldn't have to choose! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself because my hips don't fit in a medium, and am forced to purchase the large size that's too big for my waist and falls down all the time just because the A-line wasn't BIG enough. You think I sat down with God and helped him design me? No, I did not! If my body is comfortable in a size 9 I shouldn't have to feel bad about it! I shouldn't have to feel bad about myself when I look in the mirror and think I'm fat, and that I should be a size 7 instead. My body doesn't work like that, my body looks anorexic like that, this is just the way I am. Being a size 9 doesn't mean I'm unhealthy, it doesn't mean I don't exercise. Just because I don't spend 3hrs a day running on a treadmill or doing weights doesn't mean I don't care about myself. I might eat unhealthy food sometimes, but it tastes good and I think I deserve a treat sometimes. That doesn't mean I eat unhealthy food all the time and don't take care of myself.
I hate the label society has put on me. A should have smaller hips, I should have a tiny waist, but still maintain an hourglass figure, I should have big boobs but you don't make shirts for women with big boobs and small waists, all those button up shirts don't fit because they are meant for a 30 waist and B cup, well you know what? I'm a 30 Waist and a C Cup, so you can go shove your button up fancy shirts. When I go to the store and grab a large and its tight this tells me a large woman should be a size 7 and that the average size (medium) should be a size 5. Did you not hear me? I'm a size 9. The only time I was graced with being a size 7 was when I stopped eating! STOPPED EATING!! When I started eating again you know what I turned into? A size 9. I've kept my same eating habits for the past 8 months, I tried on my wedding dress 8months ago and you know what? 8months later it fit exactly the same as it did the first time I tried it on. You know what this tells me? My body is comfortable here. I don't lose weight, I dont gain weight I just stay here. I'm sick and tired of thinking I'm fat. I'm sick and tired of being worried every time I visit my grandmother if she's going to comment on my weight. I'm sick of her pointing at my belly and saying "You've gained weight" You know what that gives me? A complex. So every day when I get changed and I look in the mirror I see a fat stomach, and I see fat legs and I see an ugly person. But the truth is I'm none of those things.
And I'm sick and tired of hearing about woman who think they are those things. I have an aunt, she's really tiny but is obsessed with being skinnier and skinnier. And it makes me really sad to think she feels that way because she is a BEAUTIFUL woman!! And I know she works her ass off to stay skinny, but she shouldn't have to feel like that. She shouldn't have to think "10 more pounds and then I'll be perfect" And sure people exercise because they love to exercise and that's perfectly fine, but nobody should feel bad about gaining 10lbs. Its just 10lbs, seriously, no body notices, except you and when I gain 10lbs I notice. And when I gain 30lbs I notice, but you know what? Nobody else noticed. My co-workers didn't notice, my parents didn't notice, my fiancee didn't notice... only I noticed, because only I stood on that scale hating myself. And I wish I could change that. I wish I could make clothes to fit the average woman. I wish I could make a store that had affordable clothing, where I could buy a button up shirt that fit me in the bust and the waist, where I could purchase a skirt that fit me in the hips AND the waist, where women could come and buy jeans that didn't cut off the circulation in their legs. There are enough stores out there for the size 4's and 6's, all 100 of them. We need a store for all the thousands of women who are the size 9's and 12's and 14's and who are just as beautiful!! Without being labeled PLUS size. We are not PLUS size, we are NORMAL size. When all the size 11's are gone and all that's left are the size 2's, this is telling me something important, this is telling me most woman are this size. This is making me confused why there aren't stores for people this size. Why can't there be a store that starts at a size 7 and ends at a size 18? Why does the store have to end at a size 11 and then the PLUS store starts at a 14, what about all those 12 and 13's?! Where do they live? In the magical land of "I'm never going shopping because nothing ever fits properly". If I ever make a clothing store its going to start at a size 7 and go to a size 18. And my slogan will be "Clothes for the average woman". And my mission in life will be to make every woman feel beautiful in her skin.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say!! I am beautiful and normal and NOT FAT! I am not fat! I am not fat. I am not fat.
I hate the label society has put on me. A should have smaller hips, I should have a tiny waist, but still maintain an hourglass figure, I should have big boobs but you don't make shirts for women with big boobs and small waists, all those button up shirts don't fit because they are meant for a 30 waist and B cup, well you know what? I'm a 30 Waist and a C Cup, so you can go shove your button up fancy shirts. When I go to the store and grab a large and its tight this tells me a large woman should be a size 7 and that the average size (medium) should be a size 5. Did you not hear me? I'm a size 9. The only time I was graced with being a size 7 was when I stopped eating! STOPPED EATING!! When I started eating again you know what I turned into? A size 9. I've kept my same eating habits for the past 8 months, I tried on my wedding dress 8months ago and you know what? 8months later it fit exactly the same as it did the first time I tried it on. You know what this tells me? My body is comfortable here. I don't lose weight, I dont gain weight I just stay here. I'm sick and tired of thinking I'm fat. I'm sick and tired of being worried every time I visit my grandmother if she's going to comment on my weight. I'm sick of her pointing at my belly and saying "You've gained weight" You know what that gives me? A complex. So every day when I get changed and I look in the mirror I see a fat stomach, and I see fat legs and I see an ugly person. But the truth is I'm none of those things.
And I'm sick and tired of hearing about woman who think they are those things. I have an aunt, she's really tiny but is obsessed with being skinnier and skinnier. And it makes me really sad to think she feels that way because she is a BEAUTIFUL woman!! And I know she works her ass off to stay skinny, but she shouldn't have to feel like that. She shouldn't have to think "10 more pounds and then I'll be perfect" And sure people exercise because they love to exercise and that's perfectly fine, but nobody should feel bad about gaining 10lbs. Its just 10lbs, seriously, no body notices, except you and when I gain 10lbs I notice. And when I gain 30lbs I notice, but you know what? Nobody else noticed. My co-workers didn't notice, my parents didn't notice, my fiancee didn't notice... only I noticed, because only I stood on that scale hating myself. And I wish I could change that. I wish I could make clothes to fit the average woman. I wish I could make a store that had affordable clothing, where I could buy a button up shirt that fit me in the bust and the waist, where I could purchase a skirt that fit me in the hips AND the waist, where women could come and buy jeans that didn't cut off the circulation in their legs. There are enough stores out there for the size 4's and 6's, all 100 of them. We need a store for all the thousands of women who are the size 9's and 12's and 14's and who are just as beautiful!! Without being labeled PLUS size. We are not PLUS size, we are NORMAL size. When all the size 11's are gone and all that's left are the size 2's, this is telling me something important, this is telling me most woman are this size. This is making me confused why there aren't stores for people this size. Why can't there be a store that starts at a size 7 and ends at a size 18? Why does the store have to end at a size 11 and then the PLUS store starts at a 14, what about all those 12 and 13's?! Where do they live? In the magical land of "I'm never going shopping because nothing ever fits properly". If I ever make a clothing store its going to start at a size 7 and go to a size 18. And my slogan will be "Clothes for the average woman". And my mission in life will be to make every woman feel beautiful in her skin.
I am beautiful, no matter what they say!! I am beautiful and normal and NOT FAT! I am not fat! I am not fat. I am not fat.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Armageddon in London
My mom sent me a link today about the riots in London with a little blurb from my dad about the global financial crisis and how its really starting to affect the bigger western nations. We've known for many years about the political unrest in the middle east, in places like Libya, Yemen, Syria, Egypt, Tunisia; the wars in Iraq and Afganistan. The big shocker when Greece declared "bankruptcy" and the riots it caused. But not its hit London. Wow. London, city of the royals. Looking through those pictures was like looking at scenes from WWII, it was so sad. Reading about a family business that had been in the same building for 5 generations, since the 1860's! 150 years of hard work and sweat completely destroyed. And I asked myself why? This is apparently a global financial crisis and they just caused hundreds of millions of dollars in damage. If you were so upset about your pension being cut before where do you think they're getting the money to pay for this? I say why? But what else is there? You work 30, 40, 50 years and you pay all these taxes and what do you get? You get nothing. My parents paid CPP their whole life but now they tell us, oh by the time you retire there won't be any CPP because there's no money left. But nothing good can come from destroying a city. There has to be other solutions.
The problem is people get so angry and they become blinded by it and their instinct is to react with violence when the opposite should be happening. But with all the corrupt governments you can't trust them to do anything right; they are just looking out for themselves. So maybe this is needed to open the eyes of those in political power but its still sad that it has to be done this way. In a perfect world people would have a voice and they would be able to talk freely with their leaders to combat the economic crisis. Instead they just sit in their high towers on their mountain of money. Coming from a common middle class worker it is really unfortunate that when I look at our political leaders I feel disgust and betrayal. And people get so angry when there are budget cuts and job losses and government subsidized programs shut down and what can you do? Instead of the government sitting down and saying "Look, here's this, this and this, we need to come up with possible solutions etc etc" and have some kind of community wide inclusion of people, they just start cutting healthcare, childcare, senior's benefits and it makes them look like criminals because people think "Well those ugly bastards keep taking all our money in taxes and then they go and cut this and cut that and leave us with nothing while they live in their million dollar mansions"
Just because people have jobs doesn't mean they are living properly. With minimum wage JUST recently rising to $9.25/hr that's still impossible to live off of. No one can keep a roof over their head, feed their 2 children, have electricity, gas. Having a vehicle, being able to afford car insurance, and gas, these have all become luxury's in my day. With the way inflation is its hard for anyone to keep their head above water. Don't be looking at the unemployment rates, look at how many people are living below the poverty level!! You always see those tv shows about people who are sick and dying in Africa but what about in our own country?! We can't even sustain ourselves, how can we even think about helping a whole other continent? I have friends who can't find work, I have friends who are working but barely making it, who can't afford food all the time, who have children and are struggling to get by. We need to wake up as a nation, but the government also needs to take a long look in the mirror and think what they can do to make it better. Rioting and violence isn't the solution, but whether people can figure that out I dont know. It would take a lot. Its easy for the rich and wealthy, but all of us middle class workers are left with the disaster. My generation, Adam's generation we are stuck picking up the mess. We call this nation a democracy, but what is that anymore? Just because I get to tick a box on a ballot and say I want "so and so" in office? That's not democracy... It just gives me the illusion of democracy. We have no say in how our country is run. We put it in the hands of other people and hope that they make good decisions, but how are we even supposed to react when time and time again those people we put in to run our country lie to us, go behind our back on us. Jesus said "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy" and honestly what else do we see from our government? How does that give our generation any hope? Its all just really sad.
Why does this generation have no respect for authority? Well its not like they've done a lot to deserve any respect from me. Why would I respect someone who lies to me? You teach your kids morals, how to be honest, and sincere, generous and show kindness to people. Please tell me the last time someone in power showed any of that? I know this post is a bit all over the place but the riots in London hits close to home. With the insurmountable debt in the USA, its bound to hit here sooner rather than later. There aren't many people left who remember the great depression, but if things don't change our children will be telling stories of their great depression.
The problem is people get so angry and they become blinded by it and their instinct is to react with violence when the opposite should be happening. But with all the corrupt governments you can't trust them to do anything right; they are just looking out for themselves. So maybe this is needed to open the eyes of those in political power but its still sad that it has to be done this way. In a perfect world people would have a voice and they would be able to talk freely with their leaders to combat the economic crisis. Instead they just sit in their high towers on their mountain of money. Coming from a common middle class worker it is really unfortunate that when I look at our political leaders I feel disgust and betrayal. And people get so angry when there are budget cuts and job losses and government subsidized programs shut down and what can you do? Instead of the government sitting down and saying "Look, here's this, this and this, we need to come up with possible solutions etc etc" and have some kind of community wide inclusion of people, they just start cutting healthcare, childcare, senior's benefits and it makes them look like criminals because people think "Well those ugly bastards keep taking all our money in taxes and then they go and cut this and cut that and leave us with nothing while they live in their million dollar mansions"
Just because people have jobs doesn't mean they are living properly. With minimum wage JUST recently rising to $9.25/hr that's still impossible to live off of. No one can keep a roof over their head, feed their 2 children, have electricity, gas. Having a vehicle, being able to afford car insurance, and gas, these have all become luxury's in my day. With the way inflation is its hard for anyone to keep their head above water. Don't be looking at the unemployment rates, look at how many people are living below the poverty level!! You always see those tv shows about people who are sick and dying in Africa but what about in our own country?! We can't even sustain ourselves, how can we even think about helping a whole other continent? I have friends who can't find work, I have friends who are working but barely making it, who can't afford food all the time, who have children and are struggling to get by. We need to wake up as a nation, but the government also needs to take a long look in the mirror and think what they can do to make it better. Rioting and violence isn't the solution, but whether people can figure that out I dont know. It would take a lot. Its easy for the rich and wealthy, but all of us middle class workers are left with the disaster. My generation, Adam's generation we are stuck picking up the mess. We call this nation a democracy, but what is that anymore? Just because I get to tick a box on a ballot and say I want "so and so" in office? That's not democracy... It just gives me the illusion of democracy. We have no say in how our country is run. We put it in the hands of other people and hope that they make good decisions, but how are we even supposed to react when time and time again those people we put in to run our country lie to us, go behind our back on us. Jesus said "The theif comes only to steal, kill and destroy" and honestly what else do we see from our government? How does that give our generation any hope? Its all just really sad.
Why does this generation have no respect for authority? Well its not like they've done a lot to deserve any respect from me. Why would I respect someone who lies to me? You teach your kids morals, how to be honest, and sincere, generous and show kindness to people. Please tell me the last time someone in power showed any of that? I know this post is a bit all over the place but the riots in London hits close to home. With the insurmountable debt in the USA, its bound to hit here sooner rather than later. There aren't many people left who remember the great depression, but if things don't change our children will be telling stories of their great depression.
Monday, 25 July 2011
Marriage
Its been a very long time since I have written a post and I would attribute this to my wedding. I must say, I have never seen a calendar's days pass so quickly as I have since my engagement. With August 1st fast approaching I have come to realise it will soon be exactly 2 months before the wedding. 2 months. that's 60 days, 1440 hours and I have to ask where did all that time go? When I thought a year ago that I had so much time, no need to worry and now that time is gone and I'm left standing like a deer in the headlights with too many things in my brain wondering if it'll all turn out exactly as I pictured when I was a child. I have one more very important thing to do and then I'm sure that, even if I forget something, we will at least be able to get married. That is the marriage license. Its kind of weird to think that you need to go to a notary/lawyer so they can write up a paper that says "Yes, you are allowed to get married." Which I guess is supposed to mean that somewhere along in my life I haven't already married someone else in Canada, but it still leaves the question, why do I need to get permission to be married? I'm not 12, I'm an adult, half the time people they give marriage licenses too shouldn't have been given them, so why even waste all that paper.
Anyways, I probably should have documented this journey a bit better, but my stress and anxiety levels have peaked a bit and I can't say its something I really want to relive. However the closer it gets to the day I still can't deny this childish excitement I feel. And with every passing day I get more excited. I can't explain it, since all a ceremony means is that its written on paper, but there's something in that act. Something about standing in front of a bunch of people and saying "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you because I love you and nothing can make that ever go away". Its like announcing your love to the world without having to shout it from every rooftop. Love is a beautiful thing. I think Love can be the strongest emotion in humanity. From it is birthed the greatest joy, and the most passionate jealousy. Its about knowing you belong to someone and they belong to you and you belong to each other, and there will always be someone in your life who is there for you.
Marriage to me isn't something that you just do, its something that just happens. Whether its in front of a judge, in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of god, its something thats birthed in your heart that says "I want the world to know we're together forever". This doesn't mean it will be an easy journey, this doesn't mean you'll never have an argument, but it stands as a reminder. It says, "there was a time I loved you so much I was willing to stand in front of a crowd of people to say that I wanted to spent eternity with you". And that's what I will do on October 1, 2011, I will stand in front of a large crowd and say "I will love you to the ends of the earth, wherever my heart leads me, wherever my path happens to go, I will still love you until death, and if there happens to be something after death, I can only hope I will meet you on the other side because my life no matter where it takes me, would just be incomplete without you".
I love you Matius <3
Anyways, I probably should have documented this journey a bit better, but my stress and anxiety levels have peaked a bit and I can't say its something I really want to relive. However the closer it gets to the day I still can't deny this childish excitement I feel. And with every passing day I get more excited. I can't explain it, since all a ceremony means is that its written on paper, but there's something in that act. Something about standing in front of a bunch of people and saying "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you because I love you and nothing can make that ever go away". Its like announcing your love to the world without having to shout it from every rooftop. Love is a beautiful thing. I think Love can be the strongest emotion in humanity. From it is birthed the greatest joy, and the most passionate jealousy. Its about knowing you belong to someone and they belong to you and you belong to each other, and there will always be someone in your life who is there for you.
Marriage to me isn't something that you just do, its something that just happens. Whether its in front of a judge, in the eyes of the law or in the eyes of god, its something thats birthed in your heart that says "I want the world to know we're together forever". This doesn't mean it will be an easy journey, this doesn't mean you'll never have an argument, but it stands as a reminder. It says, "there was a time I loved you so much I was willing to stand in front of a crowd of people to say that I wanted to spent eternity with you". And that's what I will do on October 1, 2011, I will stand in front of a large crowd and say "I will love you to the ends of the earth, wherever my heart leads me, wherever my path happens to go, I will still love you until death, and if there happens to be something after death, I can only hope I will meet you on the other side because my life no matter where it takes me, would just be incomplete without you".
I love you Matius <3
Thursday, 12 May 2011
A Grain of Sand
“To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.”
-William Blake
Quite an amazing thing, a grain of sand; how many ages has it been buffeted by the wind and how many oceans has it seen? How many feet have walked on it and how many rivers have swept it away? I first heard this excerpt from William Blake’s Auguries of Innocence in a movie and at the time I didn’t really understand it. But if you really think about the journey of a grain of sand, you can truly see eternity. Where did that grain come from? An eternity ago, was it a great mountain, a rock, a wonder of the world? The Pyramid of Giza, built over 4500 years ago still stands in all its glory, how then can you fathom how long that grain of sand has been traveling? So you see, to be captivated by this grain of sand is perfectly understandable. How can it not fascinate the most intellectual minds?
However I must caution, to be taken in by the sands can destroy what is held most dear. For if you spend all your time studying that grain of sand and forget about the ocean at your feet, you forget beauty itself; for it is the ocean that has formed that grain of sand and it’s the ocean that’s brought it for you to study. The ocean, in all its formless beauty capable of the most devastating destruction and yet so peaceful. To hear the waves lapping on the shore and to see the sun as it sparkles on its surface, the glare hurts your eyes but you don’t mind, since it’s the sun that gives you its warmth. It warms your insides, it gives you life and love; it protects you. And so the two work in tandem, they help guide you when you are lost and they pick you up when you have fallen down.
Do not forget what is the most important, which is love. For without love all hope is lost and faith is meaningless. To turn your back on love is to give up everything that gives this life meaning. Why would you spend your whole life looking for purpose in a grain of sand, when all you need to do is look up and you see all this time the ocean has been right there, waiting for you to realise what is truly important. And she is still waiting for you to see that all this time all you had to do was look at her and find your purpose there, for she does not ask for anything in return but that you love her and that you love her unconditionally, with no exceptions and no secret clauses. But remember, because this is unquestionably important, if you keep searching in that grain of sand, the tide will soon take the ocean away and then there will be nothing, nothing but a great expanse of sand and no ocean.
“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars---points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything.”
This quote might seem corny but I think it holds a great truth. Just like our atmosphere will shatter a shooting star, so the moon will take away the ocean with the tide, and how long will it take and how far are you willing to walk to get it back? Because once they are gone, there really is no reason for anything. All you are left with is a blind shadow of how it used to be and no hope of ever getting it back.
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.”
-William Blake
Quite an amazing thing, a grain of sand; how many ages has it been buffeted by the wind and how many oceans has it seen? How many feet have walked on it and how many rivers have swept it away? I first heard this excerpt from William Blake’s Auguries of Innocence in a movie and at the time I didn’t really understand it. But if you really think about the journey of a grain of sand, you can truly see eternity. Where did that grain come from? An eternity ago, was it a great mountain, a rock, a wonder of the world? The Pyramid of Giza, built over 4500 years ago still stands in all its glory, how then can you fathom how long that grain of sand has been traveling? So you see, to be captivated by this grain of sand is perfectly understandable. How can it not fascinate the most intellectual minds?
However I must caution, to be taken in by the sands can destroy what is held most dear. For if you spend all your time studying that grain of sand and forget about the ocean at your feet, you forget beauty itself; for it is the ocean that has formed that grain of sand and it’s the ocean that’s brought it for you to study. The ocean, in all its formless beauty capable of the most devastating destruction and yet so peaceful. To hear the waves lapping on the shore and to see the sun as it sparkles on its surface, the glare hurts your eyes but you don’t mind, since it’s the sun that gives you its warmth. It warms your insides, it gives you life and love; it protects you. And so the two work in tandem, they help guide you when you are lost and they pick you up when you have fallen down.
Do not forget what is the most important, which is love. For without love all hope is lost and faith is meaningless. To turn your back on love is to give up everything that gives this life meaning. Why would you spend your whole life looking for purpose in a grain of sand, when all you need to do is look up and you see all this time the ocean has been right there, waiting for you to realise what is truly important. And she is still waiting for you to see that all this time all you had to do was look at her and find your purpose there, for she does not ask for anything in return but that you love her and that you love her unconditionally, with no exceptions and no secret clauses. But remember, because this is unquestionably important, if you keep searching in that grain of sand, the tide will soon take the ocean away and then there will be nothing, nothing but a great expanse of sand and no ocean.
“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars---points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything.”
This quote might seem corny but I think it holds a great truth. Just like our atmosphere will shatter a shooting star, so the moon will take away the ocean with the tide, and how long will it take and how far are you willing to walk to get it back? Because once they are gone, there really is no reason for anything. All you are left with is a blind shadow of how it used to be and no hope of ever getting it back.
Monday, 9 May 2011
30 Days of Video Games
Well, I noticed I've skipped all of April. Guess I was so busy ignoring the world to finally catch up on some selfish gamers dream I forgot about the rest of the world. Although I did accomplish the task, with the help of my most AMAZING friends, to make 89 wedding invitations. I also went to Potters and bought some supplies so I can grow stuff on my balcony this summer and I have managed to keep my herbs alive for 3 weeks now (that's a big accomplishment for me).
So the month of April was dedicated to a daily facebook post entitled "30 days of video games". Every day asked a different question, some of them quite difficult to answer and some of which I just had no answer. But it also brought back the age old desire because I haven't gotten to play any video games since the new year. I guess you could call this a belated new years resolution, but I decided to sort through all my games. I separated all the ones I haven't finished in one pile and all the ones I haven't played in another and the rest got filed back in the tv cupboard. And speaking of unfinished games, I'm currently in the market for someone who can beat Fatal Frame, since there was 3 of us playing and we are stuck, how can one beat a game where you die in 3 shots (we are one hit kill right now) and they don't give you any healing items?!?! In any case, moving on... New years resolution, play and finish all the games in those two piles. After I sorted through them, I locked myself in. I spent 3 straight days playing video games. Even my mom ended up asking me where I had gone for 3 days. It was pretty great though, I ended up beating a couple games that I hadn't had a chance to play in a long time.
30 days of video games asked me, what my first game was, what game I thought had the best art style, who my favorite character was, a game that disappointed me, lots of hard questions and that had me going through my game collection, thinking back to games I hadn't seen since the dawn of time; questions that really made me think and had me searching, google, youtube, anywhere and everywhere to jog my memory from all the games I used to know and still have today. But ultimately what it showed me is how much I love video games. My brother and I weren't always into video games. My mom is the one that got us into them. I remember faintly playing pac man on the commodore 64, but the first game I really remember is Alone in the Dark (1992). I remember my mom playing it with us, we would play a bit in the morning before school and we would play for a bit after school. I remember Lemmings, Nikolai's Train, and Galaxy Ball. I remember cheating so we could beat Prince of Persia 2 and I remember the first time Adam made it to the last level of Prince of Persia 1 with 30 seconds left, and I remember when he FINALLY beat Jafar! I remember when we got the Sega Genesis from Grandma for Christmas, and I remember playing Sonic ALL the time! I remember when we got Spider-man for easter, I remember where we found some of the clues, and how it felt when we opened the chest (Just like Link) and there it was, in all its glory! A VIDEO GAME for Easter!! I remember staying up all night playing Lemmings on the SNES and Ren and Stimpy on the Sega with my best friend.
I remember buying our first console, the N64! And we only had enough money for one game so we got a 2 player game. Mario Kart 64. It was the only game we had for A VERY LONG TIME!
My whole childhood was video games. And I wonder when exactly the transition happened. When did I go from video game nut, to video games are for boys? Like 13 year old me was too cool for video games, or I was so wrapped up in trying to fit in and having friends for the first time I kind of forgot about playing video games. Because I remember when we bought the Playstation for my brother for his birthday and I remember when he got Final Fantasy VIII & IX for Christmas, and I made fun of them. How hypocritical of me. Me who spent my whole childhood surrounded by everything gaming, who played video games before school, after school, in the middle of the night, all night. I remember when I picked up that game, FFVIII a year later and thought "this looks kinda cool". I remember getting stuck A LOT. 16 year old me had become a video game noob, how disgraceful. Adam would get so mad at me because I would get stuck a lot and I would ask him for help. I remember getting upset a lot, because I didn't want to "cheat" (and I wasn't very familiar with Game Faqs at the time) so asking my brother was the easiest solution, obviously and he always begrudgingly helped or yelled at me to figure it out myself.
This re-started my gaming journey. I played FFIX (and also got stuck a lot). I remember borrowing my brothers Playstation (which was easier after he got his Playstation 2). When I met my first boyfriend he bought me FFVII, he went on vacation for a week, I set myself up in my room and played it. I lived on ice tea and would eat dinner when my mom called, but from about 11am-5am I was in my room playing, and then I would sleep and start over. I did this for 4 days. That was my first real "gamer" moment. It expanded from there and I had a nice little collection. When I moved out I had to part with some of it (my brother and I had a lot of shared stuff), but the great thing about my husband is that when we moved in together we completed each other's collection. Where I lost the N64, he had one, and where he didn't have the PS2, I had one, etc. And now our gaming collection takes up half our tv stand, and our consoles take up the other half :) Life is good! So thank you 30 days of video games for reminding me where I came from and where I'm going.
Here's to my continued journey on this gaming path! Cheers!
So the month of April was dedicated to a daily facebook post entitled "30 days of video games". Every day asked a different question, some of them quite difficult to answer and some of which I just had no answer. But it also brought back the age old desire because I haven't gotten to play any video games since the new year. I guess you could call this a belated new years resolution, but I decided to sort through all my games. I separated all the ones I haven't finished in one pile and all the ones I haven't played in another and the rest got filed back in the tv cupboard. And speaking of unfinished games, I'm currently in the market for someone who can beat Fatal Frame, since there was 3 of us playing and we are stuck, how can one beat a game where you die in 3 shots (we are one hit kill right now) and they don't give you any healing items?!?! In any case, moving on... New years resolution, play and finish all the games in those two piles. After I sorted through them, I locked myself in. I spent 3 straight days playing video games. Even my mom ended up asking me where I had gone for 3 days. It was pretty great though, I ended up beating a couple games that I hadn't had a chance to play in a long time.
30 days of video games asked me, what my first game was, what game I thought had the best art style, who my favorite character was, a game that disappointed me, lots of hard questions and that had me going through my game collection, thinking back to games I hadn't seen since the dawn of time; questions that really made me think and had me searching, google, youtube, anywhere and everywhere to jog my memory from all the games I used to know and still have today. But ultimately what it showed me is how much I love video games. My brother and I weren't always into video games. My mom is the one that got us into them. I remember faintly playing pac man on the commodore 64, but the first game I really remember is Alone in the Dark (1992). I remember my mom playing it with us, we would play a bit in the morning before school and we would play for a bit after school. I remember Lemmings, Nikolai's Train, and Galaxy Ball. I remember cheating so we could beat Prince of Persia 2 and I remember the first time Adam made it to the last level of Prince of Persia 1 with 30 seconds left, and I remember when he FINALLY beat Jafar! I remember when we got the Sega Genesis from Grandma for Christmas, and I remember playing Sonic ALL the time! I remember when we got Spider-man for easter, I remember where we found some of the clues, and how it felt when we opened the chest (Just like Link) and there it was, in all its glory! A VIDEO GAME for Easter!! I remember staying up all night playing Lemmings on the SNES and Ren and Stimpy on the Sega with my best friend.
I remember buying our first console, the N64! And we only had enough money for one game so we got a 2 player game. Mario Kart 64. It was the only game we had for A VERY LONG TIME!
My whole childhood was video games. And I wonder when exactly the transition happened. When did I go from video game nut, to video games are for boys? Like 13 year old me was too cool for video games, or I was so wrapped up in trying to fit in and having friends for the first time I kind of forgot about playing video games. Because I remember when we bought the Playstation for my brother for his birthday and I remember when he got Final Fantasy VIII & IX for Christmas, and I made fun of them. How hypocritical of me. Me who spent my whole childhood surrounded by everything gaming, who played video games before school, after school, in the middle of the night, all night. I remember when I picked up that game, FFVIII a year later and thought "this looks kinda cool". I remember getting stuck A LOT. 16 year old me had become a video game noob, how disgraceful. Adam would get so mad at me because I would get stuck a lot and I would ask him for help. I remember getting upset a lot, because I didn't want to "cheat" (and I wasn't very familiar with Game Faqs at the time) so asking my brother was the easiest solution, obviously and he always begrudgingly helped or yelled at me to figure it out myself.
This re-started my gaming journey. I played FFIX (and also got stuck a lot). I remember borrowing my brothers Playstation (which was easier after he got his Playstation 2). When I met my first boyfriend he bought me FFVII, he went on vacation for a week, I set myself up in my room and played it. I lived on ice tea and would eat dinner when my mom called, but from about 11am-5am I was in my room playing, and then I would sleep and start over. I did this for 4 days. That was my first real "gamer" moment. It expanded from there and I had a nice little collection. When I moved out I had to part with some of it (my brother and I had a lot of shared stuff), but the great thing about my husband is that when we moved in together we completed each other's collection. Where I lost the N64, he had one, and where he didn't have the PS2, I had one, etc. And now our gaming collection takes up half our tv stand, and our consoles take up the other half :) Life is good! So thank you 30 days of video games for reminding me where I came from and where I'm going.
Here's to my continued journey on this gaming path! Cheers!
Sunday, 27 March 2011
The Death of a Flower
Have you ever witnessed the death of a flower? It doesn't happen instantly; some people don't even notice, some people don't care, and some people have the fortune of never seeing it. I think its a hard feeling to describe. How do you put to words the beauty of a single flower? The way she's birthed, from beneath the earth she rises. With tender love and care she grows, until one day when the sun is beaming down, she blooms. Colours you've never seen before sparkle and shine in the sun and smile in the rain as it refreshes the earth around her. When the cool breeze of summer whisks her this way and that, like she's dancing to the song of mother earth, you can't help but be enraptured by her. The way she enjoys this new life, beautiful doesn't begin to express the passion one single flower brings to this world.
But then the sun starts coming around more and more infrequently; and the sprinkle of the rain turns into a downpour. The musical of the wind turns cold and bitter and that flower starts to feel burned. "What happened to us?" she calls to the sun as the storm clouds roll in. But the sun keeps its silence and turns its back on the flower. And as she drowns in the pool of water at her feet, she cries. As the days grow shorter and the nights colder I think nothing can possibly save her from this dark winter. And so I take a pot and I pick her up out of that frozen earth. I bring her inside where its warm, I try and shine a bright light on her and give her all the love I can muster, but my water is not the soft pitter patter of the rain, and my bright light is only a shadow of the sun.
When I gaze upon her beautiful colours now, her head hangs just a little bit lower. She no longer gazes up at the sun like she used to. Too hurt and scarred by the cold winter months, but no one hears her weep in that dark place. Forsaken by her sun she is left with a shadow of how it used to be. This constant reminder of what summer felt like, but can never be and she feels stifled. Every day when I gaze upon the flower that used to thrive and smile and laugh and be, I am reminded of how cruel this world can be. And so I watch her, as she withers, as her soul cries. As she longs for the freedom that was stolen from her, I watch her die, wondering if Spring will ever come back to save her.
But no one seems to notice. No one sees her weep in that dark place. Her soul calling out. No one see's her dying. Not like I do. And I can't save her. How useless. I can't even save one flower. And so I continue to shine that shadow and I continue to share that water, and I continue to watch her wither; waiting for Spring to come, and hoping when it does, its not too late.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)